Next to me, next to you,
Next to us, for all to see,
Next to me, next to you,
Can't you see you've left me dry,
and it seems I've become blind,
Unsure of everyone,
Can't you feel you're in denial,
Forcing thoughts and making time,
What is this all for?
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
Sitting here in silence,
Only kills the vibe I've tried to hide,
Just speak your goddamn mind.
Don't you realise you've just
Pulled the pin and made it done for good,
Don't blame this one on me.
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
You pulled my pride through the mud,
Made me think that I wasn't right,
You did me wrong.
But now I've come to realise,
It wasn't true or even right,
There's more to life I know.
Next to me, next to you,
Next to us, for all to see,
Next to me, next to you,
Next to me, next to you
Next to this, for what has been,
Next to you, next to me.
Sunday, 13 October 2019
Sunday, 22 September 2019
The sun too shall rise
I intend on writing much more than I will right now about the most humbling experience in my life. However I do need to get down what I have been thinking about life in regards to this new found sunshine.
Let’s call this sunshine M. She’s lovely and she really is a breath of fresh air. However I’m worried that I’m not advancing quickly enough from my previous relationship and that might fire her away. So today I have a break through. I couldn’t care less about my previous relationship and I need to do some self reflection to get something out of the situation. That’s not to say I haven’t done any reflection but I still have so much more to do.
What I do know:
- I’m no longer heartbroken (if I ever was)
- I feel rested
- I know what I don’t want
- I don’t want to be held back for the rest of my years
Let’s get this life time.
Monday, 5 August 2019
It's been an awful long time since I wrote anything on this blog.
I had a relationship, began my career and have had a lot of life experience.
I spent sometime reading back over what I had wrote thinking I was quite literate and I expressed myself quite well for someone who was obviously attempting to cope with something.
So I've found myself finding myself. Looking inwards to find what makes me tick, tock and boom. So I've gone back to the music I use to love, I've gone back to focusing on myself and what I need but it's all hard.
Here I am listening to the recording of a piece that shaped my young adult years. I will sing.
The lyrics haunt me. The changes of time signatures haunt me. She haunts me.
I'm transported back to a time where mercy and trust surrounded my life. Up until this moment I've always had people controlling me and making my decisions for me. This is where I take myself and make my moments.
This is my life.
I had a relationship, began my career and have had a lot of life experience.
I spent sometime reading back over what I had wrote thinking I was quite literate and I expressed myself quite well for someone who was obviously attempting to cope with something.
So I've found myself finding myself. Looking inwards to find what makes me tick, tock and boom. So I've gone back to the music I use to love, I've gone back to focusing on myself and what I need but it's all hard.
Here I am listening to the recording of a piece that shaped my young adult years. I will sing.
The lyrics haunt me. The changes of time signatures haunt me. She haunts me.
I'm transported back to a time where mercy and trust surrounded my life. Up until this moment I've always had people controlling me and making my decisions for me. This is where I take myself and make my moments.
This is my life.
Monday, 10 October 2016
What's the plan stan?
It wasn't until it all hit the fan,
That he awoke from his slumber of a plan.
As he saw his love in pain,
He felt true love come again.
The tears in his eyes, the look of his mate,
I wonder what he thinks of his fate.
What a horrible thing, we all gave a sigh,
For it isn't just him, it's for you and I.
To contemplate that life is short,
Whilst sipping on that expensive port.
It isn't until it all hits the fan,
That we realise nothing is meant to go to plan.
That he awoke from his slumber of a plan.
As he saw his love in pain,
He felt true love come again.
The tears in his eyes, the look of his mate,
I wonder what he thinks of his fate.
What a horrible thing, we all gave a sigh,
For it isn't just him, it's for you and I.
To contemplate that life is short,
Whilst sipping on that expensive port.
It isn't until it all hits the fan,
That we realise nothing is meant to go to plan.
Thursday, 25 February 2016
A Midsummer Night's Scream
All alone in the darkness they had all but each other,
Considering what notions might have to be parted.
Still we are not quite sure what could be done,
She proclaimed very loudly from afar.
Look at her sense of pride fall into a sweet demise,
As the mighty major creates the falling failure.
Each word like a dagger into the heart,
Considering each other for another.
The major yells while the soldier's shake,
A sense of fear born out of love.
Still quite doubtful of the sense of substance,
Each lay crying alone in darkness,
Keeping a sense of blame deep inside.
Considering what notions might have to be parted.
Still we are not quite sure what could be done,
She proclaimed very loudly from afar.
Look at her sense of pride fall into a sweet demise,
As the mighty major creates the falling failure.
Each word like a dagger into the heart,
Considering each other for another.
The major yells while the soldier's shake,
A sense of fear born out of love.
Still quite doubtful of the sense of substance,
Each lay crying alone in darkness,
Keeping a sense of blame deep inside.
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
Reflections in the Wind
As he raised his hands, they began to fall.
We all sung of course, answering the call.
He threw his arms around with furious intent.
As if he were conveying some sort of torment.
I'm not certain if it went to plan.
Everyone considered believes that I'm some sort of front man.
"Beware!" I exclaim from a far.
Meanwhile I think he just wanted us to be a star.
Never mind if we're bad, old or insane.
We all come together to fight through the pain.
Dismiss the torment and do away with the plan.
I'm sure if we wanted he'd show us back to where we began.
Consider the fight to where we are now.
Think of the notions that he has just allowed.
Now think back to where you were when you started.
All of these memories, are not for the fainthearted.
Each time I go to thank you for this.
I end up in a place where it is easy to dismiss.
So thank you for the times where I wish I had more.
And thanks for the times that made me sure.
I will never forget the things that make me original.
I will never forget the things that help me see I'm visible.
We all sung of course, answering the call.
He threw his arms around with furious intent.
As if he were conveying some sort of torment.
I'm not certain if it went to plan.
Everyone considered believes that I'm some sort of front man.
"Beware!" I exclaim from a far.
Meanwhile I think he just wanted us to be a star.
Never mind if we're bad, old or insane.
We all come together to fight through the pain.
Dismiss the torment and do away with the plan.
I'm sure if we wanted he'd show us back to where we began.
Consider the fight to where we are now.
Think of the notions that he has just allowed.
Now think back to where you were when you started.
All of these memories, are not for the fainthearted.
Each time I go to thank you for this.
I end up in a place where it is easy to dismiss.
So thank you for the times where I wish I had more.
And thanks for the times that made me sure.
I will never forget the things that make me original.
I will never forget the things that help me see I'm visible.
Tuesday, 24 November 2015
Soar
I often wonder,
What is it that makes your mind ponder?
Is it the thought of substance or love...
Will you ever make the vision be seen from up above?
Considering our precepts and who might have devised,
Is it important to consider what might be your demise?
Considerations far, deep and wide,
I wonder just how far your vision will guide.
Never mind me sitting here with a blind eye,
Blind from the love that made us fly.
Looking down on the people that make us ponder,
On love, substance and even wonder.
Soaring above in the clouds until your last breath,
Consider your will before it meets its death.
What is it that makes your mind ponder?
Is it the thought of substance or love...
Will you ever make the vision be seen from up above?
Considering our precepts and who might have devised,
Is it important to consider what might be your demise?
Considerations far, deep and wide,
I wonder just how far your vision will guide.
Never mind me sitting here with a blind eye,
Blind from the love that made us fly.
Looking down on the people that make us ponder,
On love, substance and even wonder.
Soaring above in the clouds until your last breath,
Consider your will before it meets its death.
Wednesday, 29 July 2015
#bestfriendadvice
That people will revere you and fear you
Like an obstetrician plunging his hands into a woman's womb and grabbing the baby, then cutting the cord in under 30 seconds without a single hassle...
Like an archer who can shoot the apple off a boy's head 50 metres away...
If you want to be a successful musician, I'm afraid you'll have to be so skilful and have the most amazing technique, that people will revere you and become scared of you.
Like an archer who can shoot the apple off a boy's head 50 metres away...
If you want to be a successful musician, I'm afraid you'll have to be so skilful and have the most amazing technique, that people will revere you and become scared of you.
If I fail or succeed. Come back to this please. Remind him what he wrote to you.
Friday, 24 July 2015
My heart ached, I sobbed and I will live pretending that it never happened...
Conference reflections
As the music begun I slumped in my seat.
Bruce raised held his hand up cuing in each musician in time.
Then the flute started to sing a song of love,
He had me by the heart, I sat up at attention.
Water welled in my eyes and my heart began to ache.
It wasn't long until the solo flourished and the brass joined in.
The chordal changes dragged me along as the piece expanded.
Witnessing each member move in time as if one was soul touching.
Then, the trombones came to the forefront, I removed my glasses.
Sobbing quietly in the audience, by my lonesome.
I was quite fortunate that Pearson did not stop the piece.
Indeed the band played on and I continued to quietly sob.
As the piece came to a conclusion I made the right decision to leave.
I could not subject myself to this for much longer.
The ache of my heart provided the longing sensation I had avoided for so long.
T'was true what everyone said, 'this will be the worst decision of your life'.
Musician's and injuries are never a choice, treatment is however.
My choice to not operate from many standpoints was valid.
However the heart cannot comprehend decisions made by the brain.
I'm sorry heart, this one is something that needs to remain forever and always.
Forever TubaChick x
As the music begun I slumped in my seat.
Bruce raised held his hand up cuing in each musician in time.
Then the flute started to sing a song of love,
He had me by the heart, I sat up at attention.
Water welled in my eyes and my heart began to ache.
It wasn't long until the solo flourished and the brass joined in.
The chordal changes dragged me along as the piece expanded.
Witnessing each member move in time as if one was soul touching.
Then, the trombones came to the forefront, I removed my glasses.
Sobbing quietly in the audience, by my lonesome.
I was quite fortunate that Pearson did not stop the piece.
Indeed the band played on and I continued to quietly sob.
As the piece came to a conclusion I made the right decision to leave.
I could not subject myself to this for much longer.
The ache of my heart provided the longing sensation I had avoided for so long.
T'was true what everyone said, 'this will be the worst decision of your life'.
Musician's and injuries are never a choice, treatment is however.
My choice to not operate from many standpoints was valid.
However the heart cannot comprehend decisions made by the brain.
I'm sorry heart, this one is something that needs to remain forever and always.
Forever TubaChick x
You do (not) have the right to be right...
Why is it that I live in a country that encourages me to find what makes me special?
What other countries allow their men and women allow them to be free, but takes their freedoms away from them?
Why do I live in a country where I cannot marry the woman I love?
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
In school we are encouraged to think outside of the square.
We are judged on our ability to write thought provoking papers.
We promote people with good ideas, who know how to put them into action.
Yet, the people that make the action happen, are left on the sidelines.
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
We live in a country that ultimately presents us with many freedoms, however we live in a country that can be better.
It can be better through less homelessness, suffering, poverty...less discrimination.
We live in a country where churches and chapels line the streets, where op shops are found on each corner...if you can't find those then, you've found the pub.
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
We live in a country that let's us find our own feet, however will support me when I fall.
Yet, we live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
What other countries allow their men and women allow them to be free, but takes their freedoms away from them?
Why do I live in a country where I cannot marry the woman I love?
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
In school we are encouraged to think outside of the square.
We are judged on our ability to write thought provoking papers.
We promote people with good ideas, who know how to put them into action.
Yet, the people that make the action happen, are left on the sidelines.
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
We live in a country that ultimately presents us with many freedoms, however we live in a country that can be better.
It can be better through less homelessness, suffering, poverty...less discrimination.
We live in a country where churches and chapels line the streets, where op shops are found on each corner...if you can't find those then, you've found the pub.
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
We live in a country that let's us find our own feet, however will support me when I fall.
Yet, we live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.
Do I have the potential to be great?
Sometimes I ponder greatly on matters which I cannot answer for myself. Well I guess no one would be able to answer for me.
The biggest matter on my mind right now is 'do I have the potential to be great?'. I mean I am comparing myself to someone that is well, rather... a high target if I pin myself up against them.
That's like a person in a restaurant, like a dish pig stating that without much talent or training that they will be the finest chef in the nation.
Today at work one of the members of management stated "It's a shame that people are unable to distinguish the very core difference between a nice person and a harder worker." I hope with all my heart that the praise that I receive is due to someone making a conscious decision that my work is acceptable, not just my conduct.
So, do I have the ability to be great?
Well what are we going to define as great and where do I say that I have reached it as a destination. How will we measure great? Oh, and how will I know that great is an authentic experience.
All too often I feel like my ability to have authentic experiences is numbed by the people and relationships that are already formed.
Define: Great will be when people recognise my name and I have people ask me for my expertise without really knowing me.
Destination: When I am called upon to present/ discuss or teach at conferences, workshops, schools, etc.
Measure: Who, what, when, where, why.
Authentic: I feel that I have made a significant contribution to be adequately suited for the task at hand and any reasonable person would suggest that the gig was obtained through my level of expertise, not my level of networking.
Oh and the subject matter?
Anything that a) fits the criteria b) ignites passion from within and c) enables me to showcase my knowledge, experiential learning and intelligence.
So how do I intend of obtaining this level of greatness, or at least getting to the starting poll?
STEP ONE: LEARN! Learn from him, learn from her and her and her and him and myself. The books, the internet, people, places.
STEP TWO: Attend everything that I can! Any PD offered, I'll be there.
STEP THREE: Think for myself. (oh this is a novel one)
STEP FOUR: Enlist critical thought processes when deciding on the suitability of an activity
STEP FIVE: Document everything
STEP SIX: Musicianship should NEVER be sacrificed
STEP SEVEN: Help others.
STEP EIGHT: Remain passionate about what I undertake and make it enjoyable.
Regards,
Musochick
The biggest matter on my mind right now is 'do I have the potential to be great?'. I mean I am comparing myself to someone that is well, rather... a high target if I pin myself up against them.
That's like a person in a restaurant, like a dish pig stating that without much talent or training that they will be the finest chef in the nation.
Today at work one of the members of management stated "It's a shame that people are unable to distinguish the very core difference between a nice person and a harder worker." I hope with all my heart that the praise that I receive is due to someone making a conscious decision that my work is acceptable, not just my conduct.
So, do I have the ability to be great?
Well what are we going to define as great and where do I say that I have reached it as a destination. How will we measure great? Oh, and how will I know that great is an authentic experience.
All too often I feel like my ability to have authentic experiences is numbed by the people and relationships that are already formed.
Define: Great will be when people recognise my name and I have people ask me for my expertise without really knowing me.
Destination: When I am called upon to present/ discuss or teach at conferences, workshops, schools, etc.
Measure: Who, what, when, where, why.
Authentic: I feel that I have made a significant contribution to be adequately suited for the task at hand and any reasonable person would suggest that the gig was obtained through my level of expertise, not my level of networking.
Oh and the subject matter?
Anything that a) fits the criteria b) ignites passion from within and c) enables me to showcase my knowledge, experiential learning and intelligence.
So how do I intend of obtaining this level of greatness, or at least getting to the starting poll?
STEP ONE: LEARN! Learn from him, learn from her and her and her and him and myself. The books, the internet, people, places.
STEP TWO: Attend everything that I can! Any PD offered, I'll be there.
STEP THREE: Think for myself. (oh this is a novel one)
STEP FOUR: Enlist critical thought processes when deciding on the suitability of an activity
STEP FIVE: Document everything
STEP SIX: Musicianship should NEVER be sacrificed
STEP SEVEN: Help others.
STEP EIGHT: Remain passionate about what I undertake and make it enjoyable.
Regards,
Musochick
Thursday, 25 June 2015
Honestly, bullshitting...it's what I do best!
The thirst I once had to publish my thoughts has severely diminished in the past month. I'm uncertain of why this would happen. Usually I'm full of opinions and concerns, just busting to present them to an unweary audience.
Right. so. life.
I have a friend. Yeah, we can call her a friend. Who I share quite a bit with. I'm not sure why I trust this individual so much. Anyways, this thing went down and I was quite upset... I voiced my concerns with my friend that I trust too much and she told me...wait for it...wait for it. She told me that I say yes too much and perhaps that they are using me. Now, I agree with her. She's spot on... don't get me wrong I think she's hit the nail on the head. but. I feel forced to say yes. I use to point out frequently that I felt like I was paying them back, or doing my dues - some shit like that. Guess what? I actually don't feel tied down by that anymore. I've done my fair share of 'giving back'. Now it's time I started paying the real stuff forward to people that will benefit from my time and energy. I'm starting with not committing to community choir (Tuesday night choir) this year, and instead pursuing the opportunity for me to conduct my own youth choir.
So here's the the journey of my self indulgence.
Cheers folks.
Right. so. life.
I have a friend. Yeah, we can call her a friend. Who I share quite a bit with. I'm not sure why I trust this individual so much. Anyways, this thing went down and I was quite upset... I voiced my concerns with my friend that I trust too much and she told me...wait for it...wait for it. She told me that I say yes too much and perhaps that they are using me. Now, I agree with her. She's spot on... don't get me wrong I think she's hit the nail on the head. but. I feel forced to say yes. I use to point out frequently that I felt like I was paying them back, or doing my dues - some shit like that. Guess what? I actually don't feel tied down by that anymore. I've done my fair share of 'giving back'. Now it's time I started paying the real stuff forward to people that will benefit from my time and energy. I'm starting with not committing to community choir (Tuesday night choir) this year, and instead pursuing the opportunity for me to conduct my own youth choir.
So here's the the journey of my self indulgence.
Cheers folks.
Sunday, 17 May 2015
Ghosts will haunt and fate will come...
I should be pleased, I should be over the moon... but honestly I'm not sure what to do.
Remember when you were in high school? Think back to that moment when you looked at your idol and thought 'I wanna be just like that!'
You thought and you tried and you sometimes might 'ave wanted to hide...but you realised if you worked hard it was really quite something you could set in your sights.
My fifth year out. It really didn't take much! I've achieved my goal and now I'm not sure what to set in my sights.
I had a lady who's followed me all this time come up to me and declare that my style wasn't even mine. To be compared to the mentor whom I'd followed all this time, I'm not sure if I'm happy. I'm not sure if that's kind. A compliment indeed to be known by this quality. To be compared to practically Her Majesty.
I'm not sure if that's something that I'd be all quite fine to call mine, but my God I was pleased when they passed me MY wine.
Of course I'm still proud. Of course I'm still fine. I'm just not sure what to aim for, I'm just not sure what could be mine.
I feel kinda empty knowing I've become, just what I wanted... empty or disappointed... I'm not quite sure which one. So I must set sail to find what must be mine to hold, try and find some sense so I can see when my stars have aligned.
I know this is dramatic when everything seems fine, but you don't know what it's like in my mind.
Peace,
Musochick
Remember when you were in high school? Think back to that moment when you looked at your idol and thought 'I wanna be just like that!'
You thought and you tried and you sometimes might 'ave wanted to hide...but you realised if you worked hard it was really quite something you could set in your sights.
My fifth year out. It really didn't take much! I've achieved my goal and now I'm not sure what to set in my sights.
I had a lady who's followed me all this time come up to me and declare that my style wasn't even mine. To be compared to the mentor whom I'd followed all this time, I'm not sure if I'm happy. I'm not sure if that's kind. A compliment indeed to be known by this quality. To be compared to practically Her Majesty.
I'm not sure if that's something that I'd be all quite fine to call mine, but my God I was pleased when they passed me MY wine.
Of course I'm still proud. Of course I'm still fine. I'm just not sure what to aim for, I'm just not sure what could be mine.
I feel kinda empty knowing I've become, just what I wanted... empty or disappointed... I'm not quite sure which one. So I must set sail to find what must be mine to hold, try and find some sense so I can see when my stars have aligned.
I know this is dramatic when everything seems fine, but you don't know what it's like in my mind.
Peace,
Musochick
Monday, 4 May 2015
A prose for them
I knew that would happen,
I knew what she would say,
All that the work I had done,
I knew it would waste away.
I knew that when the time came,
I knew it would all fall back on me,
I thought that I wouldn't cave, so,
I stood and I said how I meant it to be,
You know what?
You can't force that upon me,
I did what I could with what I had,
I even went above and beyond and you're still mad.
I turned looking all so suddenly,
You said you'd stand up for me!
Even though it was true - you verified my claim,
It wasn't enough when she kept on through.
I consider what you might have done if you were in my situation,
But I know that perspective can't be shared like an address,
There's no way that I could expect you to know what I went through,
When you won't even see that you're basically chilling quite vacant.
You sat there and you dragged my name through the mud
Who are you to know if whether I am a dud?
I'm sorry that you can't see what this was all meant to be,
I'm sorry that even you obviously didn't believe me.
Yet we jest about what was right and what was done,
Honestly how can you not see that I've already won.
Next time I will be older next time I will see through,
All this mist you create, all these things that go askew
When the next time comes around,
Honey it won't even phase me.
I will have moved on to bigger projects,
No longer concerned with your babies.
When the moment arrives you won't even see it,
...
I consider the fact that what I believe might all be wrong.
I might be wrong but we made this piece soar,
It was no mean feat, doing what we had done,
HELL in fact, even I was pushed - and I'm practically the one.
It concerns me so much, that all of this must be the end.
It concerns me that you can't even act like a friend.
I'm not just annoyed or frustrated at your lack of perspective.
I'm practically loathing at your inability to be persuaded.
So next time when I see that something is on the agenda,
Maybe I'll just sit there and just record it.
I don't think it's my duty to respond to each beckon.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, I'm sorry that we're almost done.
Musochick
Thursday, 30 April 2015
I think you've made you point now, you've even gone a bit too far to get the message home...
I have spent the last few hours considering what I might concern myself with when I write this blog post. Perhaps it will contain my thoughts and reflections on my first practicum day? Or perhaps a debrief on the situation surrounding the school musical and opening night being tomorrow. Or even a dialogue on how I'm still pretty uncertain the direction I want to take my life after I graduate. Oh oops, did I say that one out loud?
Instead I want to have a conversation with myself about the feeling I get. This particular feeling (so I've just learned - haha) is from something that I will never pin point. The conversations surrounding the people, their rhymes and the reason for this feeling will never eventuate. I guess (only because it's a good feeling) that it will never be resolved and I will just have to deal with it... but... you know what? It's quite an uneasy feeling too. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this feeling (oh don't be stupid... of course they have! - I can hear you all scream), but honestly I can hardly describe it... how am I meant to know if it is indeed something that is a shared feeling.
Doctor Google tells me that the symptoms of my 'instinct' or rather 'feeling' are signs of anxiety. I don't feel anxious though. I can honestly see how they line up, but I don't feel that is the label for my feeling. It's something much different than anxious energy or a panic attack.
Which leads me to my next point. Well not really, but my mind has gone on another tangent. So, we will go there.
My old high school has a series of achievement awards for old girls. One award is for a well established old girl, someone who is perhaps in the mid to late years of their life. Whereas the other award is for an old girl who is under 30, what they would consider a 'young old girl'. These awards are presented at Annual Awards and honestly look like a really big honour. Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea... I don't think I am in a position to either receive one or even contemplate being nominated for that award however... I'd be lying if I said that it isn't on my bucket list. Either one of those awards... I feel like I want to be recognised by my old school for my achievements (in the future).
All of that raised a massive question, what? how? when? why? who?
What was it about this award that makes it so desirable?
How would I achieve it? - even if I could?
When would I achieve it? It can't be an over night commitment!
Why? Why does this mean so much and why is it a goal?
Who? In every sense of the word...
My life purpose is not to achieve some stupid little piece of glass/metal and plastic... it's to make a difference and leave a lasting impression on ONE person.
So maybe that's the feeling? The feeling I get. Maybe that's him leaving an impression on me?
Signing off,
Musochick
Instead I want to have a conversation with myself about the feeling I get. This particular feeling (so I've just learned - haha) is from something that I will never pin point. The conversations surrounding the people, their rhymes and the reason for this feeling will never eventuate. I guess (only because it's a good feeling) that it will never be resolved and I will just have to deal with it... but... you know what? It's quite an uneasy feeling too. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this feeling (oh don't be stupid... of course they have! - I can hear you all scream), but honestly I can hardly describe it... how am I meant to know if it is indeed something that is a shared feeling.
Doctor Google tells me that the symptoms of my 'instinct' or rather 'feeling' are signs of anxiety. I don't feel anxious though. I can honestly see how they line up, but I don't feel that is the label for my feeling. It's something much different than anxious energy or a panic attack.
Which leads me to my next point. Well not really, but my mind has gone on another tangent. So, we will go there.
My old high school has a series of achievement awards for old girls. One award is for a well established old girl, someone who is perhaps in the mid to late years of their life. Whereas the other award is for an old girl who is under 30, what they would consider a 'young old girl'. These awards are presented at Annual Awards and honestly look like a really big honour. Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea... I don't think I am in a position to either receive one or even contemplate being nominated for that award however... I'd be lying if I said that it isn't on my bucket list. Either one of those awards... I feel like I want to be recognised by my old school for my achievements (in the future).
All of that raised a massive question, what? how? when? why? who?
What was it about this award that makes it so desirable?
How would I achieve it? - even if I could?
When would I achieve it? It can't be an over night commitment!
Why? Why does this mean so much and why is it a goal?
Who? In every sense of the word...
My life purpose is not to achieve some stupid little piece of glass/metal and plastic... it's to make a difference and leave a lasting impression on ONE person.
So maybe that's the feeling? The feeling I get. Maybe that's him leaving an impression on me?
Signing off,
Musochick
Saturday, 11 April 2015
Perhaps this will all become an obsession...
I have felt a drought to my writing and honestly a deep anger from within.
I'm not entirely sure as to what the reason is behind it all, but it's horrible.
Today I went to help out a family that I know, and I painted for an hour. People around me spoke, but hardily interacted with me. I had no music to distract me. As I sat and painted, then stood, then crouched my mind was empty...blank. No racing thoughts, no ideas, not even a small consideration. No emotion.
When interrupted from my solitary moment, I answered with short and sharp answers. No thoughts? The last thing I want to be considered as is someone who lacks the cognitive ability to think for herself.
I feel very little lately. I'm using Netflix, Reddit and the gym as my getaway. I mean, I should figure out how to use the gym more as a getaway. I'm not running from anyone else but myself... How novel.
When I do think...
Honestly I ponder on the next twelve months. I'm nearly a fully fledged teacher... but am I? This is always the hardest. Do we even consider our graduate teachers to be teachers? Legally - of course!
I wonder and worry...often not about the same issues as everyone else... I'm still not sure what goes on in my head and if it is something that should be medicated. Most days my mental health is appalling. Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym. How exciting.
Also, I've noticed a decline in my sleeping patterns.... the first day back at uni after the break is going to hurt on Monday...
Until next time internets.
MusoChick.
I'm not entirely sure as to what the reason is behind it all, but it's horrible.
Today I went to help out a family that I know, and I painted for an hour. People around me spoke, but hardily interacted with me. I had no music to distract me. As I sat and painted, then stood, then crouched my mind was empty...blank. No racing thoughts, no ideas, not even a small consideration. No emotion.
When interrupted from my solitary moment, I answered with short and sharp answers. No thoughts? The last thing I want to be considered as is someone who lacks the cognitive ability to think for herself.
I feel very little lately. I'm using Netflix, Reddit and the gym as my getaway. I mean, I should figure out how to use the gym more as a getaway. I'm not running from anyone else but myself... How novel.
When I do think...
Honestly I ponder on the next twelve months. I'm nearly a fully fledged teacher... but am I? This is always the hardest. Do we even consider our graduate teachers to be teachers? Legally - of course!
I wonder and worry...often not about the same issues as everyone else... I'm still not sure what goes on in my head and if it is something that should be medicated. Most days my mental health is appalling. Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym. How exciting.
Also, I've noticed a decline in my sleeping patterns.... the first day back at uni after the break is going to hurt on Monday...
Until next time internets.
MusoChick.
Monday, 23 March 2015
Spotlight... [check]
All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you
Haven't we been here once before? Oh great.. another funeral. 2015 is shaping up to be the year of the funeral.
Today in choir something happened to me that usually only happens to others... and I see it being carried out... by others but NEVER me.
I have never been in that situation before...
I was called upon to sing front of the choir. Sure, I've done this solo stuff.... but never to model something to be sung. I looked around the choir and saw eager eyes watch me. A few glances that where meant to reassure me - oh and rest assure those glances worked.
It was exciting and a little awesome.
Of course, perhaps this is scaffolding? Perhaps this is experience? Perhaps this was logically? Perhaps this was ... just normal.
I attempted to escape back to the safety of my seat, he just called me back. I must say that was a little bit funny.
Sorry for the scattered entry, but I really needed to share.
musochick
Sunday, 22 March 2015
The birth of a concept
'He is what teachers should be'
What a stunning statement. He is what teachers SHOULD be. Not what we aspire to be, not what we all want to be... but what we SHOULD be.
Oh and he. I always thought he was modest. Truth is he knows he's good... he just doesn't understand his impact. I mean who would... 'He is what teachers should be.'
Which leads me to a point Q made... we do not acknowledge people enough. I mean sure, we all acknowledge people in our brains 'oh yeah good work' or 'great going! ...but...I guess we don't let people know about their impact until it's too late. I've been to enough funerals to know that the words 'in the last few months of their life' or phrases such as 'they will never know how much they will be missed' WELL WHY NOT?!
We see acknowledging people as inflating their egos. What if that little word of thanks or mention is the thing that this person really needs to hear.
I'm conflicted though, giving thanks in the most simplest ways can sometimes be seen as belittling. How can we find ways to acknowledge more people for things they give or provide to us and what should we be acknowledging?
So, thus was born the concept of 'life long goals' or 'achievements for life'. Q then left me in quite a spot of bother. I need a life long goals list. Oh and come to think of it, a bucket list!
What do I want to achieve in my life. What matters to me?
One of my biggest fears is failure... the last thing I want to do is fail...
Now to come up with a bucket list...and a life long goals list!
Woohoo,
musochick
Wednesday, 18 March 2015
My Knight in Shining Armour
I lust for his presence
I lust for his glow
I lust for a time when I don't have to say hello.
His thought makes me smile,
His thought makes me grow,
His thought all the while makes me feel all alone.
I patiently wait,
I patiently wonder,
I patiently sit still content with anticipation.
I silently sit,
I silently stare,
I silently look out the window - just there.
I know he will come,
I know he will go,
Surely, but no.
My feelings grow fonder,
My feelings grow nearer,
My feelings are sure as the sunsets and he grows nearer.
As I wait patiently at my window I see him arrive,
I look around and know that night is indeed nigh.
I lust for his glow
I lust for a time when I don't have to say hello.
His thought makes me smile,
His thought makes me grow,
His thought all the while makes me feel all alone.
I patiently wait,
I patiently wonder,
I patiently sit still content with anticipation.
I silently sit,
I silently stare,
I silently look out the window - just there.
I know he will come,
I know he will go,
Surely, but no.
My feelings grow fonder,
My feelings grow nearer,
My feelings are sure as the sunsets and he grows nearer.
As I wait patiently at my window I see him arrive,
I look around and know that night is indeed nigh.
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