Ghosts will haunt and fate will come...

I should be pleased, I should be over the moon... but honestly I'm not sure what to do.

Remember when you were in high school? Think back to that moment when you looked at your idol and thought 'I wanna be just like that!'
You thought and you tried and you sometimes might 'ave wanted to hide...but you realised if you worked hard it was really quite something you could set in your sights.
My fifth year out. It really didn't take much! I've achieved my goal and now I'm not sure what to set in my sights.

I had a lady who's followed me all this time come up to me and declare that my style wasn't even mine. To be compared to the mentor whom I'd followed all this time, I'm not sure if I'm happy. I'm not sure if that's kind. A compliment indeed to be known by this quality. To be compared to practically Her Majesty.

I'm not sure if that's something that I'd be all quite fine to call mine, but my God I was pleased when they passed me MY wine.

Of course I'm still proud. Of course I'm still fine. I'm just not sure what to aim for, I'm just not sure what could be mine.

I feel kinda empty knowing I've become, just what I wanted... empty or disappointed... I'm not quite sure which one. So I must set sail to find what must be mine to hold, try and find some sense so I can see when my stars have aligned.

I know this is dramatic when everything seems fine, but you don't know what it's like in my mind.

Peace,

Musochick

A prose for them

I knew that would happen,
I knew what she would say,
All that the work I had done,
I knew it would waste away.

I knew that when the time came,
I knew it would all fall back on me,
I thought that I wouldn't cave, so,
I stood and I said how I meant it to be,

You know what?
You can't force that upon me,
I did what I could with what I had,
I even went above and beyond and you're still mad.

I turned looking all so suddenly,
You said you'd stand up for me!
Even though it was true - you verified my claim,
It wasn't enough when she kept on through.

I consider what you might have done if you were in my situation,
But I know that perspective can't be shared like an address,
There's no way that I could expect you to know what I went through,
When you won't even see that you're basically chilling quite vacant.

You sat there and you dragged my name through the mud
Who are you to know if whether I am a dud?
I'm sorry that you can't see what this was all meant to be,
I'm sorry that even you obviously didn't believe me.

Yet we jest about what was right and what was done,
Honestly how can you not see that I've already won.
Next time I will be older next time I will see through,
All this mist you create, all these things that go askew

When the next time comes around,
Honey it won't even phase me.
I will have moved on to bigger projects,
No longer concerned with your babies.

When the moment arrives you won't even see it,
...

I consider the fact that what I believe might all be wrong.
I might be wrong but we made this piece soar,
It was no mean feat, doing what we had done,
HELL in fact, even I was pushed - and I'm practically the one.

It concerns me so much, that all of this must be the end.
It concerns me that you can't even act like a friend.
I'm not just annoyed or frustrated at your lack of perspective.
I'm practically loathing at your inability to be persuaded.

So next time when I see that something is on the agenda,
Maybe I'll just sit there and just record it.
I don't think it's my duty to respond to each beckon.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, I'm sorry that we're almost done.


Musochick

I think you've made you point now, you've even gone a bit too far to get the message home...

I have spent the last few hours considering what I might concern myself with when I write this blog post. Perhaps it will contain my thoughts and reflections on my first practicum day? Or perhaps a debrief on the situation surrounding the school musical and opening night being tomorrow. Or even a dialogue on how I'm still pretty uncertain the direction I want to take my life after I graduate. Oh oops, did I say that one out loud?

Instead I want to have a conversation with myself about the feeling I get. This particular feeling (so I've just learned - haha) is from something that I will never pin point. The conversations surrounding the people, their rhymes and the reason for this feeling will never eventuate. I guess (only because it's a good feeling) that it will never be resolved and I will just have to deal with it... but... you know what? It's quite an uneasy feeling too. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this feeling (oh don't be stupid... of course they have! - I can hear you all scream), but honestly I can hardly describe it... how am I meant to know if it is indeed something that is a shared feeling.

Doctor Google tells me that the symptoms of my 'instinct' or rather 'feeling' are signs of anxiety. I don't feel anxious though. I can honestly see how they line up, but I don't feel that is the label for my feeling. It's something much different than anxious energy or a panic attack.

Which leads me to my next point. Well not really, but my mind has gone on another tangent. So, we will go there.

My old high school has a series of achievement awards for old girls. One award is for a well established old girl, someone who is perhaps in the mid to late years of their life. Whereas the other award is for an old girl who is under 30, what they would consider a 'young old girl'. These awards are presented at Annual Awards and honestly look like a really big honour. Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea... I don't think I am in a position to either receive one or even contemplate being nominated for that award however... I'd be lying if I said that it isn't on my bucket list. Either one of those awards... I feel like I want to be recognised by my old school for my achievements (in the future).

All of that raised a massive question, what? how? when? why? who?

What was it about this award that makes it so desirable?
How would I achieve it? - even if I could?
When would I achieve it? It can't be an over night commitment!
Why? Why does this mean so much and why is it a goal?
Who? In every sense of the word...

My life purpose is not to achieve some stupid little piece of glass/metal and plastic... it's to make a difference and leave a lasting impression on ONE person.

So maybe that's the feeling? The feeling I get. Maybe that's him leaving an impression on me?


Signing off,


Musochick

Perhaps this will all become an obsession...

I have felt a drought to my writing and honestly a deep anger from within.

I'm not entirely sure as to what the reason is behind it all, but it's horrible.

Today I went to help out a family that I know, and I painted for an hour. People around me spoke, but hardily interacted with me. I had no music to distract me. As I sat and painted, then stood, then crouched my mind was empty...blank. No racing thoughts, no ideas, not even a small consideration. No emotion.

When interrupted from my solitary moment, I answered with short and sharp answers. No thoughts? The last thing I want to be considered as is someone who lacks the cognitive ability to think for herself.

I feel very little lately. I'm using Netflix, Reddit and the gym as my getaway. I mean, I should figure out how to use the gym more as a getaway. I'm not running from anyone else but myself... How novel.

When I do think...

Honestly I ponder on the next twelve months. I'm nearly a fully fledged teacher... but am I? This is always the hardest. Do we even consider our graduate teachers to be teachers? Legally - of course!

I wonder and worry...often not about the same issues as everyone else... I'm still not sure what goes on in my head and if it is something that should be medicated. Most days my mental health is appalling. Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym. How exciting.

Also, I've noticed a decline in my sleeping patterns.... the first day back at uni after the break is going to hurt on Monday...

Until next time internets.

MusoChick.

Spotlight... [check]

All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you

Haven't we been here once before? Oh great.. another funeral. 2015 is shaping up to be the year of the funeral.

Today in choir something happened to me that usually only happens to others... and I see it being carried out... by others but NEVER me.

I have never been in that situation before...

I was called upon to sing front of the choir. Sure, I've done this solo stuff.... but never to model something to be sung. I looked around the choir and saw eager eyes watch me. A few glances that where meant to reassure me - oh and rest assure those glances worked.

It was exciting and a little awesome.

Of course, perhaps this is scaffolding? Perhaps this is experience? Perhaps this was logically? Perhaps this was ... just normal.

I attempted to escape back to the safety of my seat, he just called me back. I must say that was a little bit funny.

Sorry for the scattered entry, but I really needed to share.

musochick

The birth of a concept

'He is what teachers should be'

What a stunning statement. He is what teachers SHOULD be. Not what we aspire to be, not what we all want to be... but what we SHOULD be.


Oh and he. I always thought he was modest. Truth is he knows he's good... he just doesn't understand his impact. I mean who would... 'He is what teachers should be.'


Which leads me to a point Q made... we do not acknowledge people enough. I mean sure, we all acknowledge people in our brains 'oh yeah good work' or 'great going! ...but...I guess we don't let people know about their impact until it's too late. I've been to enough funerals to know that the words 'in the last few months of their life' or phrases such as 'they will never know how much they will be missed' WELL WHY NOT?!


We see acknowledging people as inflating their egos. What if that little word of thanks or mention is the thing that this person really needs to hear.


I'm conflicted though, giving thanks in the most simplest ways can sometimes be seen as belittling. How can we find ways to acknowledge more people for things they give or provide to us and what should we be acknowledging?


So, thus was born the concept of 'life long goals' or 'achievements for life'. Q then left me in quite a spot of bother. I need a life long goals list. Oh and come to think of it, a bucket list!


What do I want to achieve in my life. What matters to me?


One of my biggest fears is failure... the last thing I want to do is fail...


Now to come up with a bucket list...and a life long goals list!


Woohoo,


musochick

My Knight in Shining Armour

I lust for his presence
I lust for his glow
I lust for a time when I don't have to say hello.

His thought makes me smile,
His thought makes me grow,
His thought all the while makes me feel all alone.

I patiently wait,
I patiently wonder,
I patiently sit still content with anticipation.

I silently sit,
I silently stare,
I silently look out the window - just there.

I know he will come,
I know he will go,
Surely, but no.

My feelings grow fonder,
My feelings grow nearer,
My feelings are sure as the sunsets and he grows nearer.

As I wait patiently at my window I see him arrive,
I look around and know that night is indeed nigh.