Reflections in the Wind

As he raised his hands, they began to fall.
We all sung of course, answering the call.

He threw his arms around with furious intent.
As if he were conveying some sort of torment.

I'm not certain if it went to plan.
Everyone considered believes that I'm some sort of front man.

"Beware!" I exclaim from a far.
Meanwhile I think he just wanted us to be a star.

Never mind if we're bad, old or insane.
We all come together to fight through the pain.

Dismiss the torment and do away with the plan.
I'm sure if we wanted he'd show us back to where we began.

Consider the fight to where we are now.
Think of the notions that he has just allowed.

Now think back to where you were when you started.
All of these memories, are not for the fainthearted.

Each time I go to thank you for this.
I end up in a place where it is easy to dismiss.

So thank you for the times where I wish I had more.
And thanks for the times that made me sure.

I will never forget the things that make me original.
I will never forget the things that help me see I'm visible.

Soar

I often wonder,
What is it that makes your mind ponder?

Is it the thought of substance or love...
Will you ever make the vision be seen from up above?

Considering our precepts and who might have devised,
Is it important to consider what might be your demise?

Considerations far, deep and wide,
I wonder just how far your vision will guide.

Never mind me sitting here with a blind eye,
Blind from the love that made us fly.

Looking down on the people that make us ponder,
On love, substance and even wonder.

Soaring above in the clouds until your last breath,
Consider your will before it meets its death.

Chorale Prelude on 'Wachet auf, rüft uns die Stimme', BWV 645: Bach

Music is good for the soul.

#bestfriendadvice

That people will revere you and fear you

Like an obstetrician plunging his hands into a woman's womb and grabbing the baby, then cutting the cord in under 30 seconds without a single hassle...

Like an archer who can shoot the apple off a boy's head 50 metres away...

If you want to be a successful musician, I'm afraid you'll have to be so skilful and have the most amazing technique, that people will revere you and become scared of you.

If I fail or succeed. Come back to this please. Remind him what he wrote to you.

My heart ached, I sobbed and I will live pretending that it never happened...

Conference reflections

As the music begun I slumped in my seat.
Bruce raised held his hand up cuing in each musician in time.
Then the flute started to sing a song of love,
He had me by the heart, I sat up at attention.

Water welled in my eyes and my heart began to ache.
It wasn't long until the solo flourished and the brass joined in.
The chordal changes dragged me along as the piece expanded.
Witnessing each member move in time as if one was soul touching.

Then, the trombones came to the forefront, I removed my glasses.
Sobbing quietly in the audience, by my lonesome.
I was quite fortunate that Pearson did not stop the piece.
Indeed the band played on and I continued to quietly sob.

As the piece came to a conclusion I made the right decision to leave.
I could not subject myself to this for much longer.
The ache of my heart provided the longing sensation I had avoided for so long.
T'was true what everyone said, 'this will be the worst decision of your life'.

Musician's and injuries are never a choice, treatment is however.
My choice to not operate from many standpoints was valid.
However the heart cannot comprehend decisions made by the brain.
I'm sorry heart, this one is something that needs to remain forever and always.

Forever TubaChick x

You do (not) have the right to be right...

Why is it that I live in a country that encourages me to find what makes me special?
What other countries allow their men and women allow them to be free, but takes their freedoms away from them?
Why do I live in a country where I cannot marry the woman I love?
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.

In school we are encouraged to think outside of the square.
We are judged on our ability to write thought provoking papers.
We promote people with good ideas, who know how to put them into action.
Yet, the people that make the action happen, are left on the sidelines.
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.

We live in a country that ultimately presents us with many freedoms, however we live in a country that can be better.
It can be better through less homelessness, suffering, poverty...less discrimination.
We live in a country where churches and chapels line the streets, where op shops are found on each corner...if you can't find those then, you've found the pub.
We live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.

We live in a country that let's us find our own feet, however will support me when I fall.
Yet, we live in a country where you and I can both be right, but only you have the right, to be right.

Do I have the potential to be great?

Sometimes I ponder greatly on matters which I cannot answer for myself. Well I guess no one would be able to answer for me.

The biggest matter on my mind right now is 'do I have the potential to be great?'. I mean I am comparing myself to someone that is well, rather... a high target if I pin myself up against them.

That's like a person in a restaurant, like a dish pig stating that without much talent or training that they will be the finest chef in the nation.

Today at work one of the members of management stated "It's a shame that people are unable to distinguish the very core difference between a nice person and a harder worker." I hope with all my heart that the praise that I receive is due to someone making a conscious decision that my work is acceptable, not just my conduct.

So, do I have the ability to be great?

Well what are we going to define as great and where do I say that I have reached it as a destination. How will we measure great? Oh, and how will I know that great is an authentic experience.

All too often I feel like my ability to have authentic experiences is numbed by the people and relationships that are already formed.

Define: Great will be when people recognise my name and I have people ask me for my expertise without really knowing me.
Destination: When I am called upon to present/ discuss or teach at conferences, workshops, schools, etc.
Measure: Who, what, when, where, why.
Authentic: I feel that I have made a significant contribution to be adequately suited for the task at hand and any reasonable person would suggest that the gig was obtained through my level of expertise, not my level of networking.

Oh and the subject matter?
Anything that a) fits the criteria b) ignites passion from within and c) enables me to showcase my knowledge, experiential learning and intelligence.

So how do I intend of obtaining this level of greatness, or at least getting to the starting poll?

STEP ONE: LEARN! Learn from him, learn from her and her and her and him and myself. The books, the internet, people, places.
STEP TWO: Attend everything that I can! Any PD offered, I'll be there.
STEP THREE: Think for myself. (oh this is a novel one)
STEP FOUR: Enlist critical thought processes when deciding on the suitability of an activity
STEP FIVE: Document everything
STEP SIX: Musicianship should NEVER be sacrificed
STEP SEVEN: Help others.
STEP EIGHT: Remain passionate about what I undertake and make it enjoyable.

Regards,

Musochick

Honestly, bullshitting...it's what I do best!

The thirst I once had to publish my thoughts has severely diminished in the past month. I'm uncertain of why this would happen. Usually I'm full of opinions and concerns, just busting to present them to an unweary audience.

Right. so. life.

I have a friend. Yeah, we can call her a friend. Who I share quite a bit with. I'm not sure why I trust this individual so much. Anyways, this thing went down and I was quite upset... I voiced my concerns with my friend that I trust too much and she told me...wait for it...wait for it. She told me that I say yes too much and perhaps that they are using me. Now, I agree with her. She's spot on... don't get me wrong I think she's hit the nail on the head. but. I feel forced to say yes. I use to point out frequently that I felt like I was paying them back, or doing my dues - some shit like that. Guess what? I actually don't feel tied down by that anymore. I've done my fair share of 'giving back'. Now it's time I started paying the real stuff forward to people that will benefit from my time and energy. I'm starting with not committing to community choir (Tuesday night choir) this year, and instead pursuing the opportunity for me to conduct my own youth choir.

So here's the the journey of my self indulgence.

Cheers folks.

Ghosts will haunt and fate will come...

I should be pleased, I should be over the moon... but honestly I'm not sure what to do.

Remember when you were in high school? Think back to that moment when you looked at your idol and thought 'I wanna be just like that!'
You thought and you tried and you sometimes might 'ave wanted to hide...but you realised if you worked hard it was really quite something you could set in your sights.
My fifth year out. It really didn't take much! I've achieved my goal and now I'm not sure what to set in my sights.

I had a lady who's followed me all this time come up to me and declare that my style wasn't even mine. To be compared to the mentor whom I'd followed all this time, I'm not sure if I'm happy. I'm not sure if that's kind. A compliment indeed to be known by this quality. To be compared to practically Her Majesty.

I'm not sure if that's something that I'd be all quite fine to call mine, but my God I was pleased when they passed me MY wine.

Of course I'm still proud. Of course I'm still fine. I'm just not sure what to aim for, I'm just not sure what could be mine.

I feel kinda empty knowing I've become, just what I wanted... empty or disappointed... I'm not quite sure which one. So I must set sail to find what must be mine to hold, try and find some sense so I can see when my stars have aligned.

I know this is dramatic when everything seems fine, but you don't know what it's like in my mind.

Peace,

Musochick

A prose for them

I knew that would happen,
I knew what she would say,
All that the work I had done,
I knew it would waste away.

I knew that when the time came,
I knew it would all fall back on me,
I thought that I wouldn't cave, so,
I stood and I said how I meant it to be,

You know what?
You can't force that upon me,
I did what I could with what I had,
I even went above and beyond and you're still mad.

I turned looking all so suddenly,
You said you'd stand up for me!
Even though it was true - you verified my claim,
It wasn't enough when she kept on through.

I consider what you might have done if you were in my situation,
But I know that perspective can't be shared like an address,
There's no way that I could expect you to know what I went through,
When you won't even see that you're basically chilling quite vacant.

You sat there and you dragged my name through the mud
Who are you to know if whether I am a dud?
I'm sorry that you can't see what this was all meant to be,
I'm sorry that even you obviously didn't believe me.

Yet we jest about what was right and what was done,
Honestly how can you not see that I've already won.
Next time I will be older next time I will see through,
All this mist you create, all these things that go askew

When the next time comes around,
Honey it won't even phase me.
I will have moved on to bigger projects,
No longer concerned with your babies.

When the moment arrives you won't even see it,
...

I consider the fact that what I believe might all be wrong.
I might be wrong but we made this piece soar,
It was no mean feat, doing what we had done,
HELL in fact, even I was pushed - and I'm practically the one.

It concerns me so much, that all of this must be the end.
It concerns me that you can't even act like a friend.
I'm not just annoyed or frustrated at your lack of perspective.
I'm practically loathing at your inability to be persuaded.

So next time when I see that something is on the agenda,
Maybe I'll just sit there and just record it.
I don't think it's my duty to respond to each beckon.
I'm sorry that it's come to this, I'm sorry that we're almost done.


Musochick

I think you've made you point now, you've even gone a bit too far to get the message home...

I have spent the last few hours considering what I might concern myself with when I write this blog post. Perhaps it will contain my thoughts and reflections on my first practicum day? Or perhaps a debrief on the situation surrounding the school musical and opening night being tomorrow. Or even a dialogue on how I'm still pretty uncertain the direction I want to take my life after I graduate. Oh oops, did I say that one out loud?

Instead I want to have a conversation with myself about the feeling I get. This particular feeling (so I've just learned - haha) is from something that I will never pin point. The conversations surrounding the people, their rhymes and the reason for this feeling will never eventuate. I guess (only because it's a good feeling) that it will never be resolved and I will just have to deal with it... but... you know what? It's quite an uneasy feeling too. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this feeling (oh don't be stupid... of course they have! - I can hear you all scream), but honestly I can hardly describe it... how am I meant to know if it is indeed something that is a shared feeling.

Doctor Google tells me that the symptoms of my 'instinct' or rather 'feeling' are signs of anxiety. I don't feel anxious though. I can honestly see how they line up, but I don't feel that is the label for my feeling. It's something much different than anxious energy or a panic attack.

Which leads me to my next point. Well not really, but my mind has gone on another tangent. So, we will go there.

My old high school has a series of achievement awards for old girls. One award is for a well established old girl, someone who is perhaps in the mid to late years of their life. Whereas the other award is for an old girl who is under 30, what they would consider a 'young old girl'. These awards are presented at Annual Awards and honestly look like a really big honour. Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea... I don't think I am in a position to either receive one or even contemplate being nominated for that award however... I'd be lying if I said that it isn't on my bucket list. Either one of those awards... I feel like I want to be recognised by my old school for my achievements (in the future).

All of that raised a massive question, what? how? when? why? who?

What was it about this award that makes it so desirable?
How would I achieve it? - even if I could?
When would I achieve it? It can't be an over night commitment!
Why? Why does this mean so much and why is it a goal?
Who? In every sense of the word...

My life purpose is not to achieve some stupid little piece of glass/metal and plastic... it's to make a difference and leave a lasting impression on ONE person.

So maybe that's the feeling? The feeling I get. Maybe that's him leaving an impression on me?


Signing off,


Musochick

Perhaps this will all become an obsession...

I have felt a drought to my writing and honestly a deep anger from within.

I'm not entirely sure as to what the reason is behind it all, but it's horrible.

Today I went to help out a family that I know, and I painted for an hour. People around me spoke, but hardily interacted with me. I had no music to distract me. As I sat and painted, then stood, then crouched my mind was empty...blank. No racing thoughts, no ideas, not even a small consideration. No emotion.

When interrupted from my solitary moment, I answered with short and sharp answers. No thoughts? The last thing I want to be considered as is someone who lacks the cognitive ability to think for herself.

I feel very little lately. I'm using Netflix, Reddit and the gym as my getaway. I mean, I should figure out how to use the gym more as a getaway. I'm not running from anyone else but myself... How novel.

When I do think...

Honestly I ponder on the next twelve months. I'm nearly a fully fledged teacher... but am I? This is always the hardest. Do we even consider our graduate teachers to be teachers? Legally - of course!

I wonder and worry...often not about the same issues as everyone else... I'm still not sure what goes on in my head and if it is something that should be medicated. Most days my mental health is appalling. Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym. How exciting.

Also, I've noticed a decline in my sleeping patterns.... the first day back at uni after the break is going to hurt on Monday...

Until next time internets.

MusoChick.

Spotlight... [check]

All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you

Haven't we been here once before? Oh great.. another funeral. 2015 is shaping up to be the year of the funeral.

Today in choir something happened to me that usually only happens to others... and I see it being carried out... by others but NEVER me.

I have never been in that situation before...

I was called upon to sing front of the choir. Sure, I've done this solo stuff.... but never to model something to be sung. I looked around the choir and saw eager eyes watch me. A few glances that where meant to reassure me - oh and rest assure those glances worked.

It was exciting and a little awesome.

Of course, perhaps this is scaffolding? Perhaps this is experience? Perhaps this was logically? Perhaps this was ... just normal.

I attempted to escape back to the safety of my seat, he just called me back. I must say that was a little bit funny.

Sorry for the scattered entry, but I really needed to share.

musochick

The birth of a concept

'He is what teachers should be'

What a stunning statement. He is what teachers SHOULD be. Not what we aspire to be, not what we all want to be... but what we SHOULD be.


Oh and he. I always thought he was modest. Truth is he knows he's good... he just doesn't understand his impact. I mean who would... 'He is what teachers should be.'


Which leads me to a point Q made... we do not acknowledge people enough. I mean sure, we all acknowledge people in our brains 'oh yeah good work' or 'great going! ...but...I guess we don't let people know about their impact until it's too late. I've been to enough funerals to know that the words 'in the last few months of their life' or phrases such as 'they will never know how much they will be missed' WELL WHY NOT?!


We see acknowledging people as inflating their egos. What if that little word of thanks or mention is the thing that this person really needs to hear.


I'm conflicted though, giving thanks in the most simplest ways can sometimes be seen as belittling. How can we find ways to acknowledge more people for things they give or provide to us and what should we be acknowledging?


So, thus was born the concept of 'life long goals' or 'achievements for life'. Q then left me in quite a spot of bother. I need a life long goals list. Oh and come to think of it, a bucket list!


What do I want to achieve in my life. What matters to me?


One of my biggest fears is failure... the last thing I want to do is fail...


Now to come up with a bucket list...and a life long goals list!


Woohoo,


musochick

My Knight in Shining Armour

I lust for his presence
I lust for his glow
I lust for a time when I don't have to say hello.

His thought makes me smile,
His thought makes me grow,
His thought all the while makes me feel all alone.

I patiently wait,
I patiently wonder,
I patiently sit still content with anticipation.

I silently sit,
I silently stare,
I silently look out the window - just there.

I know he will come,
I know he will go,
Surely, but no.

My feelings grow fonder,
My feelings grow nearer,
My feelings are sure as the sunsets and he grows nearer.

As I wait patiently at my window I see him arrive,
I look around and know that night is indeed nigh.

The faceless thieve

They sit in the church and cry like a child,

Remembering all the memories of when she smiled, 

I sat and looked around all the while thinking...

'Oh geez, is this what it's like in the wild?'

He sits in the church and cries like a mother,

and I hear the cries of ever after,

Every mother and every father...

Considering what it might be like to never love 'er.

She sits in the church and cries like a martyr,
Wondering if all of this will matter ever after,
All these details of who was slain,
It makes me wonder... 'Was this all done in vein?'

I sat at the altar and considered my sins, yet I'm left wondering where to begin...
When all is forgotten where will they go?
When we have fallen, will they reap what we have painfully sowed?

I allow the people to consider these notions,
Before presenting them with similar commotions.

What might you leave on this earth, for your child to receive?
Of what will they remind us, while death begins to thieve?

Joseph Campbell: the Power of Myth

So.

I started watching the Power of Myth - Joseph Campbell.

Mythology - I'm not sure about it really. I guess I'm hoping this will give some insight and I will have some ideas!

It is six one hour clips that discuss varied topics.

I feel like I should keep a track of those topics here and note down anything important.

I intend on notating next to the quotes - haha.

Episode One:

'Everything begins with a story' - what a lovely quote!

Heroes sacrifice themselves then there is a spiritual hero who has learned or found a mode of experiencing the supernormal range of spiritual life and comes back and shares this with people.


I never finished this post, maybe I might one day?!

Perception.

I often find myself in a mess. Not physically but more often than not emotionally.

My insecurities run thick and my lack of confidence bleeds from my veins when my skin is cut deep.

My perception of people and honestly their perception of me... means a shedload.

Seize the Vices

We all have our vices,

We all have our deeds,

But all that matters in the end, is what we can seize.

A little bird once told me,

If all you do is buzz like a bee,

People will talk and not listen - you'll see!

Forget all your vices,

Forget all your deeds,

Seize what you can and listen to those bees.

Father Father, let me love you...

Father Father, let me love you...

Saw you wondering in my dream, last night... singing...

Wonder wonder what you might do...

You can't simply hide our dream in the blue

Don't try to fight, don't let me go.

You've gone too far from what I know.

I lost my heart in the dark with you.

Father father, why you let me go?

Father, please...don't let me go.

I'm not going to lie. It's a fairly emotional song.

I played it for a few people and I have received mixed reviews. I thought I better dissect it a little and consider the meaning of the text - to me.

Father - not actually my father... perhaps a God-like figure? A role model? Someone who I consider to be influential in my life.

Father Father, let me love you - I guess for some reason or another it is impossible? or hard to love? perhaps due to something, a trait, habit?

Saw you wondering in my dream, last night... singing... - Ah, I think about you a lot, perhaps you aren't what I want you to be in my life, so I have a vision of you in my minds eye.

Wonder wonder what you might do... - Both you and I know that you are unpredictable. I can't find a method or a pattern, you are consistent in habits, however not consistent in their timing or frequency.

You can't simply hide our dream in the blue - ...and here we see that part that gets me every time. She very nicely sticks an accent on 'our', it is both my and your dream... and we both know that.

Don't try to fight, don't let me go.

You've gone too far from what I know.

I lost my heart in the dark with you.

Father father, why you let me go?

Father, please...don't let me go.

All of that chorus confuses me. Why would you let me go if I didn't want to be let go? She sounds upset with him, however feels like she has no choice but to leave him. Is heart a metaphor for hope? and dark a metaphor for evil?

Let me love you - Why isn't she allowed to love him?

When looking on my own thoughts of the words 'Father father, why you let me go? Father, please...don't let me go.' I come back always to the idea of her walking out on him. Like, she had to make an ultimatum and the choice was that she didn't come back to him.. and he let her walk.

All food for thought.

Further contemplation will occur.

Musochick.

From the Archives...

23 Dec 2009:

Part one:

I'm sorry for all the times I didn't believe - for the times I doubted you.

But now I know the suns reign is a metaphor for our strength.

One day when we are all old and gray, I'll remember the fiascos we had.

And when the sun goes away and the rain wants to stay I'll scream and shout for the pain to go away. The day the rain won't go away I'll know that the pain is here to stay...

And I"ll sing this song and hum it's tune all day long.

Part two:

I'm sitting here thinking of the day I have to give you away.

Listening to the sounds of yesterday...I realise just what I have obtained.

Remembering the pride, all those times... I know your priceless.

I learnt to trust, how to spread my wings and become free.

But somehow I knew if I fell you'd catch me.

Everyone knows how priceless you are to me.

Perception, Observation, Personality

Father Father, let me love you.

Oh life. I'm seeing a trend. Love? Is it love? oh really life... it's love isn't it!?

Okay. The past two weeks have been phenomenal! I have learnt so much and been able to be around all this thinking and feeling. I've run into people I have encountered in my past times and reunite with them, or just reconnect with them. As for the important people, or as my colleague stated it... the people who I focus on bringing along for my journey... they are grand in helpfulness. Well I'm thinking of one in particular. ...and you know what? it's quite funny actually. I am rather self conscious that perhaps if I think something too loud or think just too intensely about something that someone might hear me (haha, I know right!).

People usually consider me to be an extrovert. I mean sure. I also know people think that I'm an idiot, or rather just not quite that intelligent. I notice that this undertone is something I am somewhat concerned about more than being perceived as either LOUD or shy. This I can control to some degree. I would very happily be the centre of attention and make the most noise (especially whilst under the influence) however usually I'm quite aware to the sensitive moments in social interaction. Whilst conversations are taking place and while people are discussing topics which I may or may not hold an opinion too, I just listen. I'm listening for clues to fill in gaps and I'm listening to values. Interestingly when I perceive a person they are a puzzle. Each small piece of information forms a piece of the puzzle and I organise it's place based on time, values, morals, assumptions and judgements. These judgements are usually accompanied by evidence that backs up my claims or perhaps even thoughts and a continuous track record for the claims. I would never make an assumption or judgement about someone unless I deemed it was particular to their character.

Imagine. Sitting around a table. or listening to a conversation which I am just a part of. or walking to somewhere. or working from somewhere.

If I'm there chances are I'm observing behaviour. Usually I would observe strangers, but if there is a much more interesting puzzle to be solved... I can be found at the heart of the problem, rearranging the pieces.

I will say one thing though, puzzles are hard when you're not sure on what the picture should look like and they are hard when you don't have all the pieces when you start. However, that's what makes them fun.

So. Each interaction I can take something from.
And the best part of this is? I can usually take something from the interactions that are absent. For example I made all the possible takes for the conversation to occur, and we could tell each other wanted it, however I left it. How amazingly frustrating, and practically perfect.

I will write more in the coming days surrounding the lyrics I first wrote, or perhaps when the mood takes me I will explain the song and its meaning to me...


Until next time,

Musochick

Laughter, joy and presence: the only gifts you are.

All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you

Yesterday a number of my colleagues and mates sung at a funeral. The funeral was for a fellow that I did not know, however I know his wife. The funeral filled up the school chapel and filled out into the hall. We sung a number of pieces. My new found favourite 'All I ask of you' was interesting to practice. This morning I did a quick bit of research and found a short personal reflection that Josh Groban wrote (http://www.joshgroban.com/blog/naughtykate/all-i-ask-you-gregory-norbert). He said that he found himself feeling and thinking about different things depending on his mood. I agree with him, however I now that I will know associate this song with the moment that I was taught it. A similar event happened when I was taught 'All around the world' I guess what I'm trying to say without making it too explicit is the theme of vulnerability. As we practiced I had no idea where to look. With only ten people in the room and the conductor standing in front of me I stared off into the distance, and sung with a mighty amount of passion. I made it all the way to the last refrain of the chorus and I looked up at the conductor, who also was singing and also looking at me (right in the eyes)... 'remember me as loving...' I couldn't do it, I darted my eyes away for the word 'you'. That amount of vulnerability was just too much for me to handle, I felt my soul being touched. It's not something that I haven't felt before, just never THAT strong. You can tell when someone is just singing, or singing to you. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to keep on looking at the conductor... I just couldn't be that open.

Fast forward to the funeral proceedings, we did really well and I'm glad we could assist in the celebration of this mans life. Afterwards members of the congregation came and thanked us for our offering to the service. I saw a number of my teachers from high school (now colleagues) very visibly upset. This was a stark reminder that we are all humans, not robots. Seeing your high school teachers, of which a number were your rocks, sobbing... it's like seeing your parents cry.

More fast forwarding. Now the party. The party had nothing to do with the funeral - except for the fact that a we sung at a funeral then proceeded to a party. I had too much to drink. That's a certainty. However, it helped. My usual shy self... well I'm sure I left that behind somewhere. I was the centre of attention for quite some time. I was quite proud of myself that I was able to steer some conversation into the direction that I wanted. Interestingly the first story came back up, but in a very different way. Five years ago, in high school a number of small funny stories happened. Now, these were pivotal to me absolutely important. I did not expect my then teacher, now colleague, to remember these 'insignificant moments'. It was so refreshing. His recollection of the moments were exactly the same as mine.

The most interesting topic of conversation was the word Mozart. (I failed to mention it but it connected into the day more than just this. At the funeral the man mentioned his favourite composer, Mozart in his own written memoirs. They also played the second movement of Mozart's clarinet concerto just before the start of the service - THIS IS THE PIECE WHERE THIS NEXT STORY COMES FROM!)

So, in year 12 I had to give an oral presentation on Mozart, except I couldn't say his name... it sounded horrible. Of course I was given the 'tease treatment' by the then teacher, now colleague and he said to me, without a word of doubt (and he recalled it as well) '(Name), one day, you will be sitting around a table with musicians at dinner and you will need to say the word Mozart, and you need to be able to say it correctly.' Well, not only did that happen, but it happened in his presence. Then I quickly began to recall another incidence when he has made fun of me, this time about my personality. He quickly took over the conversation (I assume to prove that he remembered) and we all laughed. He then said 'We love you (name)'. Ah, full circle with the hymn, full circle with Mozart, full circle with personalities, full circle. If I did read the situation correctly, all of them, I need you to remember that we love you too.

I'm glad that chapter has been significantly dealt with. When I go back to school this week I'm Ms (name). I'm a teacher. I know who I am. I know that I'm loved. I know.

Thanks

Musochick

Meetings, Fitbits & Mates

Oh my.

I'm sorry. I most likely start almost every post with something similar. I guess it makes my life sound so dramatic!

Okay there's a few small bites of information.

Today I was in three different meetings...

The first one was well... interesting, I guess it was more of a catch up, not really a meeting per say.

The second one was personality central. Something made me want to just sit and watch them talk for a while. Interestingly the people who sat near me also chose to stay right out of most topics of conversation. I only spoke when I agreed or really didn't agree. However the 'chair' of the conversations seemed to look towards me and look for some reassurance. Well, not reassurance... that's the wrong word. Perhaps the correct word is that he was checking to see if I was engaged. Haha! It's true. When sitting back from a conversation I'm really bad at staying engaged. I need to be somewhat involved or at least active to listen.

The third one ... oh the third one...
See I need to be constantly reminding myself that I sign up for these jobs. I am the one that puts myself on the committee (well actually not always, I tend to get many things thrown at me). However I do honestly enjoy it all. Somehow I find the time, and energy, oh the energy. To get up there and make it work.

The other things that happened today was I decided at one of my places of work to challenge them in a fitbit weekly race. I shall let you know the outcome of that one, but it looks like I might have just narrowly won the first day - but it really is the number at the end of the working week that counts!

Also I might be doing this writing thing a bit more soon. It would appear that I don't know how I'm going to go about dealing with one of my closest friends moving into the real world (honestly I'm afraid of losing her), another one of my friends is so busy with following his career (I only joined his orchestra so I get to see him), then I have two more friends. One of them is madly in love with a Canadian. I'm so happy for her, however I feel like I just piss her off with my trivial issues (I'm a shit mate to her). Then there's the guy who I feel would honestly help me move the earth if that's what I needed. He's going through some personal journey stuff at the moment and I respect the fact that he needs space to be ready for all of that jazz.

... that leaves me with myself and my 1255 acquaintances on Facebook (+whoever else I've met through university, work, schools, teaching...)

Until next time,

musochick44

Goals, Life, Motivation and Q

Why do you deserve it?
What meaning and value will it bring to your life?
What makes you different?

Woah these are three hard questions.

I have been watching youtube motivational videos lately, I'm not quite sure what has got into me. Part of me is after all the self-motivation I can find. I was talking to Q tonight and I realised that I really do need to be the best person that I can be. I need to give the best quality of me that I can give to people.

So. First I need to define my goal. I found it interesting... when Q said that 'when you become famous' - oh this was a great moment. Q told me that I already seem to be prominent in my community so it was practically a given. I then told Q that I don't mind it, but ... it really is lonely being so well known. I don't have much privacy! Haha.

So. What do I want. I don't want fame. I don't want attention. I've got enough of that. I want to become the best teacher I can be. What do I mean? I want to be able to say with conviction that I am doing the right thing for the kids in front of me. I also want to be able to teach teachers how to teach. I want to lecture at universities. I want to travel the world and present at conferences. I want to be that person that they call and say 'hey can you come and conduct at this workshop? Can you give a talk on (blank)? Can you come and teach?' Another aim I have is to be on a certain board. I want to hold positions on committees and have a say in changing things and making decisions. I want to help people. I want to be on the frontline of teaching. I want to know that what I believe in and what I practice works. I want to see results and I want to complete research.

Now for the questions (the first one is meant to have five answers):

Why do you deserve it?

I deserve it because I work hard.
I have goals and I am working towards them.
I know my stuff and if I don't know it I ask/ find out for myself.
I help people: I am a good person.
I am motivated and I have good intentions.

What meaning and value will it bring to your life?

It is my life. I will dedicate my life to it.

What makes you different?

I'm me. If you know me. You'll know I'm different. Very different. IN FACT. I'm me. No one else is me. I can assure you of that.

Hopefully this helps with something for someone. Or at least. It's helped me.

Cheers,

musochick

As the cloud descends...

As the cloud descends

We all tremble in fear

For the one who comes here

Has been always quite near,

As I anticipate the storm

I find he has grown cold

Luckily a man like him

Will never be too old,

And as I pass on from him

I realise the truth

We must never retire,

Not. Until we have changed one youth.

I'll be honest with you guys, I'm horrible at English and anything containing the words 'creative' or 'writing'... however I really wanted to share this. I was cleaning out (well I still am, it's a major expedition!) and I found a book with one page written on, it contained this prose. I wrote it on the 12 Jan 2014. I know exactly what was going on in my life around then, and I know what the inspiration for this was.

At the bottom of the page I wrote in a different colour:

Future [NAME], don't forget to pay it forward! Please, for the sake of who has paid it forward to you.

Happy pondering,

MusoChick 

Why did I become a teacher?

What a difficult question to answer. Why does anyone do anything really?

Woah how profound, why does anyone do anything?(well it wasn't that profound, don't get so concerned)

Teaching. It's the one thing I feel like I'm good at.

I will always have my ability to relate to children and well, teach them something. I've spent the last three weeks away at summer camps trying to learn something from some lecturers and tutors. Most of the people I've encountered have been awe inspiring! Some of them... less than motivating.

Take this one guy for example. We will call him L. He spoke passionately for two sessions about choral music, music education and his beliefs, practices and thoughts surrounding just about everything to do with these topics.

I could only wish to be so:
a) passionate
b) inspiring and;
c) knowledgable

GOSH! The best thing about L is that he doesn't think I'm invisible. I guess that's a plus - haha!

So, why teaching? Is it for an Extraverted Feeling (Fe) or an Introverted Feeling (Fi) result. Well my type: ENFP would tell me that it's in fact going to be close to a Fi just because 'my type says so'. However I've been trying to grasp this concept and one of my good friends who we will call Q is also curious about this 'stuff'. She copied me a conversation which spoke about a prominent figure in history and these people had a discussion on his type of Fe or Fi used. I'm not saying I'm a prominent historical figure however, the article was very useful. (I'm sorry for my lack of control of the English language).

Basically am I fulfilling someone else's dreams or my own. Now that's a horrible meaning to Fe vs Fi however... for me it's the question I'm posed with.

Now, it would be horrible if I said that I was doing teaching to please someone else, because that's the worst reason to do something ever. An equally bad response would be along the lines of the teacher being an educator to fulfil themselves.

So, why teaching?
Ah this is still a really hard question!
Because I had great teachers?
Because I had some crap teachers?
Because I think I can do better?
Because I want to do better?
Because I know I can do better?

Ah, actually I think it's somewhere here that we find the real reason. I know that I can be a good teacher better than some of my crap ones, similar to some of my good ones (however never as good as the best). I am doing teaching because...I want to change lives. I want to share music and I want to know that I've achieved something in my life.

Signing off,

MusoChick

Ramblings

The amount of times I have tried to write blog post in the past month has been stupid.

Why can I not just say what I feel? What I felt? What I experienced or what is happening?

Life suddenly became less complicated in the past two weeks. Here is the reasons why:

• It's been a year since I came out to myself
• I feel like it's okay to just tell people if we are talking about it (sexuality that is)
• I've been house sitting for a week or so and I've come to terms with the idea of living by myself
• I have started thinking of myself as a professional and I know that I'm going to do well at what I apply myself to

Again I'm lost at what to write. This is from yesterday and well I left the tab open and chose not to post it.

I'm sitting here just reflecting on all the learning that I have been fortunate enough to undertake in the last 5 years and I wonder what my life would have been without it.

I think of all the people I've met and the children I have taught. I have so much more to learn... however I'd like to think that I've become a better person in the past few years....