I think you've made you point now, you've even gone a bit too far to get the message home...

I have spent the last few hours considering what I might concern myself with when I write this blog post. Perhaps it will contain my thoughts and reflections on my first practicum day? Or perhaps a debrief on the situation surrounding the school musical and opening night being tomorrow. Or even a dialogue on how I'm still pretty uncertain the direction I want to take my life after I graduate. Oh oops, did I say that one out loud?

Instead I want to have a conversation with myself about the feeling I get. This particular feeling (so I've just learned - haha) is from something that I will never pin point. The conversations surrounding the people, their rhymes and the reason for this feeling will never eventuate. I guess (only because it's a good feeling) that it will never be resolved and I will just have to deal with it... but... you know what? It's quite an uneasy feeling too. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this feeling (oh don't be stupid... of course they have! - I can hear you all scream), but honestly I can hardly describe it... how am I meant to know if it is indeed something that is a shared feeling.

Doctor Google tells me that the symptoms of my 'instinct' or rather 'feeling' are signs of anxiety. I don't feel anxious though. I can honestly see how they line up, but I don't feel that is the label for my feeling. It's something much different than anxious energy or a panic attack.

Which leads me to my next point. Well not really, but my mind has gone on another tangent. So, we will go there.

My old high school has a series of achievement awards for old girls. One award is for a well established old girl, someone who is perhaps in the mid to late years of their life. Whereas the other award is for an old girl who is under 30, what they would consider a 'young old girl'. These awards are presented at Annual Awards and honestly look like a really big honour. Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea... I don't think I am in a position to either receive one or even contemplate being nominated for that award however... I'd be lying if I said that it isn't on my bucket list. Either one of those awards... I feel like I want to be recognised by my old school for my achievements (in the future).

All of that raised a massive question, what? how? when? why? who?

What was it about this award that makes it so desirable?
How would I achieve it? - even if I could?
When would I achieve it? It can't be an over night commitment!
Why? Why does this mean so much and why is it a goal?
Who? In every sense of the word...

My life purpose is not to achieve some stupid little piece of glass/metal and plastic... it's to make a difference and leave a lasting impression on ONE person.

So maybe that's the feeling? The feeling I get. Maybe that's him leaving an impression on me?


Signing off,


Musochick

Perhaps this will all become an obsession...

I have felt a drought to my writing and honestly a deep anger from within.

I'm not entirely sure as to what the reason is behind it all, but it's horrible.

Today I went to help out a family that I know, and I painted for an hour. People around me spoke, but hardily interacted with me. I had no music to distract me. As I sat and painted, then stood, then crouched my mind was empty...blank. No racing thoughts, no ideas, not even a small consideration. No emotion.

When interrupted from my solitary moment, I answered with short and sharp answers. No thoughts? The last thing I want to be considered as is someone who lacks the cognitive ability to think for herself.

I feel very little lately. I'm using Netflix, Reddit and the gym as my getaway. I mean, I should figure out how to use the gym more as a getaway. I'm not running from anyone else but myself... How novel.

When I do think...

Honestly I ponder on the next twelve months. I'm nearly a fully fledged teacher... but am I? This is always the hardest. Do we even consider our graduate teachers to be teachers? Legally - of course!

I wonder and worry...often not about the same issues as everyone else... I'm still not sure what goes on in my head and if it is something that should be medicated. Most days my mental health is appalling. Tomorrow I plan on going back to the gym. How exciting.

Also, I've noticed a decline in my sleeping patterns.... the first day back at uni after the break is going to hurt on Monday...

Until next time internets.

MusoChick.