Father Father, let me love you...

Father Father, let me love you...

Saw you wondering in my dream, last night... singing...

Wonder wonder what you might do...

You can't simply hide our dream in the blue

Don't try to fight, don't let me go.

You've gone too far from what I know.

I lost my heart in the dark with you.

Father father, why you let me go?

Father, please...don't let me go.

I'm not going to lie. It's a fairly emotional song.

I played it for a few people and I have received mixed reviews. I thought I better dissect it a little and consider the meaning of the text - to me.

Father - not actually my father... perhaps a God-like figure? A role model? Someone who I consider to be influential in my life.

Father Father, let me love you - I guess for some reason or another it is impossible? or hard to love? perhaps due to something, a trait, habit?

Saw you wondering in my dream, last night... singing... - Ah, I think about you a lot, perhaps you aren't what I want you to be in my life, so I have a vision of you in my minds eye.

Wonder wonder what you might do... - Both you and I know that you are unpredictable. I can't find a method or a pattern, you are consistent in habits, however not consistent in their timing or frequency.

You can't simply hide our dream in the blue - ...and here we see that part that gets me every time. She very nicely sticks an accent on 'our', it is both my and your dream... and we both know that.

Don't try to fight, don't let me go.

You've gone too far from what I know.

I lost my heart in the dark with you.

Father father, why you let me go?

Father, please...don't let me go.

All of that chorus confuses me. Why would you let me go if I didn't want to be let go? She sounds upset with him, however feels like she has no choice but to leave him. Is heart a metaphor for hope? and dark a metaphor for evil?

Let me love you - Why isn't she allowed to love him?

When looking on my own thoughts of the words 'Father father, why you let me go? Father, please...don't let me go.' I come back always to the idea of her walking out on him. Like, she had to make an ultimatum and the choice was that she didn't come back to him.. and he let her walk.

All food for thought.

Further contemplation will occur.

Musochick.

From the Archives...

23 Dec 2009:

Part one:

I'm sorry for all the times I didn't believe - for the times I doubted you.

But now I know the suns reign is a metaphor for our strength.

One day when we are all old and gray, I'll remember the fiascos we had.

And when the sun goes away and the rain wants to stay I'll scream and shout for the pain to go away. The day the rain won't go away I'll know that the pain is here to stay...

And I"ll sing this song and hum it's tune all day long.

Part two:

I'm sitting here thinking of the day I have to give you away.

Listening to the sounds of yesterday...I realise just what I have obtained.

Remembering the pride, all those times... I know your priceless.

I learnt to trust, how to spread my wings and become free.

But somehow I knew if I fell you'd catch me.

Everyone knows how priceless you are to me.

Perception, Observation, Personality

Father Father, let me love you.

Oh life. I'm seeing a trend. Love? Is it love? oh really life... it's love isn't it!?

Okay. The past two weeks have been phenomenal! I have learnt so much and been able to be around all this thinking and feeling. I've run into people I have encountered in my past times and reunite with them, or just reconnect with them. As for the important people, or as my colleague stated it... the people who I focus on bringing along for my journey... they are grand in helpfulness. Well I'm thinking of one in particular. ...and you know what? it's quite funny actually. I am rather self conscious that perhaps if I think something too loud or think just too intensely about something that someone might hear me (haha, I know right!).

People usually consider me to be an extrovert. I mean sure. I also know people think that I'm an idiot, or rather just not quite that intelligent. I notice that this undertone is something I am somewhat concerned about more than being perceived as either LOUD or shy. This I can control to some degree. I would very happily be the centre of attention and make the most noise (especially whilst under the influence) however usually I'm quite aware to the sensitive moments in social interaction. Whilst conversations are taking place and while people are discussing topics which I may or may not hold an opinion too, I just listen. I'm listening for clues to fill in gaps and I'm listening to values. Interestingly when I perceive a person they are a puzzle. Each small piece of information forms a piece of the puzzle and I organise it's place based on time, values, morals, assumptions and judgements. These judgements are usually accompanied by evidence that backs up my claims or perhaps even thoughts and a continuous track record for the claims. I would never make an assumption or judgement about someone unless I deemed it was particular to their character.

Imagine. Sitting around a table. or listening to a conversation which I am just a part of. or walking to somewhere. or working from somewhere.

If I'm there chances are I'm observing behaviour. Usually I would observe strangers, but if there is a much more interesting puzzle to be solved... I can be found at the heart of the problem, rearranging the pieces.

I will say one thing though, puzzles are hard when you're not sure on what the picture should look like and they are hard when you don't have all the pieces when you start. However, that's what makes them fun.

So. Each interaction I can take something from.
And the best part of this is? I can usually take something from the interactions that are absent. For example I made all the possible takes for the conversation to occur, and we could tell each other wanted it, however I left it. How amazingly frustrating, and practically perfect.

I will write more in the coming days surrounding the lyrics I first wrote, or perhaps when the mood takes me I will explain the song and its meaning to me...


Until next time,

Musochick

Laughter, joy and presence: the only gifts you are.

All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you

Yesterday a number of my colleagues and mates sung at a funeral. The funeral was for a fellow that I did not know, however I know his wife. The funeral filled up the school chapel and filled out into the hall. We sung a number of pieces. My new found favourite 'All I ask of you' was interesting to practice. This morning I did a quick bit of research and found a short personal reflection that Josh Groban wrote (http://www.joshgroban.com/blog/naughtykate/all-i-ask-you-gregory-norbert). He said that he found himself feeling and thinking about different things depending on his mood. I agree with him, however I now that I will know associate this song with the moment that I was taught it. A similar event happened when I was taught 'All around the world' I guess what I'm trying to say without making it too explicit is the theme of vulnerability. As we practiced I had no idea where to look. With only ten people in the room and the conductor standing in front of me I stared off into the distance, and sung with a mighty amount of passion. I made it all the way to the last refrain of the chorus and I looked up at the conductor, who also was singing and also looking at me (right in the eyes)... 'remember me as loving...' I couldn't do it, I darted my eyes away for the word 'you'. That amount of vulnerability was just too much for me to handle, I felt my soul being touched. It's not something that I haven't felt before, just never THAT strong. You can tell when someone is just singing, or singing to you. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to keep on looking at the conductor... I just couldn't be that open.

Fast forward to the funeral proceedings, we did really well and I'm glad we could assist in the celebration of this mans life. Afterwards members of the congregation came and thanked us for our offering to the service. I saw a number of my teachers from high school (now colleagues) very visibly upset. This was a stark reminder that we are all humans, not robots. Seeing your high school teachers, of which a number were your rocks, sobbing... it's like seeing your parents cry.

More fast forwarding. Now the party. The party had nothing to do with the funeral - except for the fact that a we sung at a funeral then proceeded to a party. I had too much to drink. That's a certainty. However, it helped. My usual shy self... well I'm sure I left that behind somewhere. I was the centre of attention for quite some time. I was quite proud of myself that I was able to steer some conversation into the direction that I wanted. Interestingly the first story came back up, but in a very different way. Five years ago, in high school a number of small funny stories happened. Now, these were pivotal to me absolutely important. I did not expect my then teacher, now colleague, to remember these 'insignificant moments'. It was so refreshing. His recollection of the moments were exactly the same as mine.

The most interesting topic of conversation was the word Mozart. (I failed to mention it but it connected into the day more than just this. At the funeral the man mentioned his favourite composer, Mozart in his own written memoirs. They also played the second movement of Mozart's clarinet concerto just before the start of the service - THIS IS THE PIECE WHERE THIS NEXT STORY COMES FROM!)

So, in year 12 I had to give an oral presentation on Mozart, except I couldn't say his name... it sounded horrible. Of course I was given the 'tease treatment' by the then teacher, now colleague and he said to me, without a word of doubt (and he recalled it as well) '(Name), one day, you will be sitting around a table with musicians at dinner and you will need to say the word Mozart, and you need to be able to say it correctly.' Well, not only did that happen, but it happened in his presence. Then I quickly began to recall another incidence when he has made fun of me, this time about my personality. He quickly took over the conversation (I assume to prove that he remembered) and we all laughed. He then said 'We love you (name)'. Ah, full circle with the hymn, full circle with Mozart, full circle with personalities, full circle. If I did read the situation correctly, all of them, I need you to remember that we love you too.

I'm glad that chapter has been significantly dealt with. When I go back to school this week I'm Ms (name). I'm a teacher. I know who I am. I know that I'm loved. I know.

Thanks

Musochick

Meetings, Fitbits & Mates

Oh my.

I'm sorry. I most likely start almost every post with something similar. I guess it makes my life sound so dramatic!

Okay there's a few small bites of information.

Today I was in three different meetings...

The first one was well... interesting, I guess it was more of a catch up, not really a meeting per say.

The second one was personality central. Something made me want to just sit and watch them talk for a while. Interestingly the people who sat near me also chose to stay right out of most topics of conversation. I only spoke when I agreed or really didn't agree. However the 'chair' of the conversations seemed to look towards me and look for some reassurance. Well, not reassurance... that's the wrong word. Perhaps the correct word is that he was checking to see if I was engaged. Haha! It's true. When sitting back from a conversation I'm really bad at staying engaged. I need to be somewhat involved or at least active to listen.

The third one ... oh the third one...
See I need to be constantly reminding myself that I sign up for these jobs. I am the one that puts myself on the committee (well actually not always, I tend to get many things thrown at me). However I do honestly enjoy it all. Somehow I find the time, and energy, oh the energy. To get up there and make it work.

The other things that happened today was I decided at one of my places of work to challenge them in a fitbit weekly race. I shall let you know the outcome of that one, but it looks like I might have just narrowly won the first day - but it really is the number at the end of the working week that counts!

Also I might be doing this writing thing a bit more soon. It would appear that I don't know how I'm going to go about dealing with one of my closest friends moving into the real world (honestly I'm afraid of losing her), another one of my friends is so busy with following his career (I only joined his orchestra so I get to see him), then I have two more friends. One of them is madly in love with a Canadian. I'm so happy for her, however I feel like I just piss her off with my trivial issues (I'm a shit mate to her). Then there's the guy who I feel would honestly help me move the earth if that's what I needed. He's going through some personal journey stuff at the moment and I respect the fact that he needs space to be ready for all of that jazz.

... that leaves me with myself and my 1255 acquaintances on Facebook (+whoever else I've met through university, work, schools, teaching...)

Until next time,

musochick44