When I grow up...

Once again we must protest to others what we wish to do with our lives. How long should it take for us to grow up? and what even is growing up?

Is it the act of moving out of home? Getting a real job? Graduating from university? or is it simply just being viewed as an adult?

Well, the thing is, is here I am, and to be honest I'm pretty young... but I'm making choices. Choices that make me look over my shoulder and think that this might be a defining moment of my life. The thing is though, that I want to be following the footsteps of some pretty defining people in my life.

Like it or not, there are a number of mentors in my life that are doing exactly what I want to be doing. Pretty uncreative I know - I know. However, it's exactly what I want to do. Here I stand at 21, I'm not a woman and I'm not child... trust me, my dreams are running wild all I want is to be able to look back in a number of years and think, yeah I took each opportunity in my stride and worked hard. Here I tell you, right now... I'm working hard but honestly at the wrong things.

I'm working at things that may not matter in the long run and really aren't going to help me to be able to follow the footsteps of those mentors.

I think some days that I won't even be able to get my feet off the ground, or even follow one small bit in their footsteps.

I ponder some days and I know that I can just give up now... if that's what I wanted. I have a pretty smooth life and I could end up doing what I'm doing now for the rest of my life. BUT GUESS WHAT. I can tell this isn't what I'm meant to be doing. There's a thirst in my mouth. A fire in my soul. and a longing in my heart. THAT (the thing my mentors are doing) THAT is what I'm suppose to be doing!

So, here is to working HARD at the things that are important. My talent will not carry me for much longer. I must stick my head down and my arse up... and get onto it.

I'm gunna show you how great I am!

Oh no.

Life.

It's funny isn't it.

Sometimes things happen that are completely out of our control and while I see that everything has a reason I get pretty confused with it all.

However, I think it is important to document some of the things I I have come to realise about myself.

I do NOT suffer fools.
I do NOT deal well with people who have one concern - them.
I enjoy helping others - funnily enough I thought that this was something I didn't enjoy doing.
I enjoy the idea of being needed. I dislike the idea of needing people though (I'm not good at trusting people) - this contains a great difference.
I have the ability to work hard... I just have to be committed to it.
I'm actually quite strong, not only mentally or emotionally but also physically - I've also learnt that for one reason or another this matters to me.
I am good with people (remember people not fools, there is a fair distinction here).
I am good with children (however I am certain I do not want my own and there is no chance of this happening accidentally because you guys know *pfft*... I'm gay)

TO REMEMBER FOR LIFE:

'If you know what your worth, you gotta get and get what you're worth.

But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers because you're not where you wanna be because of her or her because cowards do that, and you aren't that.'

So, what am I going to do?

I plan on working as hard as I can. I want to be the best teacher I can be. The best musician I can be. The best person I can be. I need to work on being the best. Because if I am the best, then maybe I'll be considered okay by someone's standard. So hello world. I'm here and I'M GUNNA SHOW YOU HOW GREAT I AM.

Why do you music?

Music.

It's one of those things, isn't it?

We all know about it and to some extent we all partake in it. Some of us are listeners and some of us are creators. However there is a debate in itself. Composers, performers, concert goers, teachers, educators, instrument repairs, sound technicians, producers, mixers, conductors... we all music.

Music for me is more than a word. Music for me is more than a profession and guys, if you had not yet guessed... music for me is more than my life.

Music is me.

There's no other way to put it.

When I no longer exist and I have been taken from the physical earth, what will remain? my music. Not just my compositions, arrangements, students, bands, papers, concert programs but this legend of my music.

That's quite a way to think about myself though and some would protest that indeed to think of myself so highly is quite incorrect. However I don't think that's the thing. What I'm talking about is my sense of musicianship. Regardless of my skill my musicianship will remain.

...and I know people will remember me because of my music.

YET! This is not the reason why I music.

I music because it is a form of expression, it is my livelihood, it is my passion and it is my hobby. I music because for some reason or another I am 'better than okay' at it.

My friends music and my family music. My students music and my future students will learn to music.

Music will mean to them whatever music should mean to them. I will not enforce that they feel and think about music in the same way I do, however I will insist that they appreciate music. The form of the music or even the reasons why they enjoy the music is redundant.

All I ask of them is to be able to tell me WHY they music. Hopefully it is because of love, because that is the strongest type of music.

You are the weakest link; goodbye

Monday's - perhaps the best day of the week. I find myself doing all the things I love, in particular teaching and singing.

The learning part of the singing occurs in a class that is small and intimate. I know all the members of the class (including the teacher) through past incidents and relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I love it and I feel like I'm learning something! - otherwise, don't get me wrong I wouldn't go back.

However I feel like I am the weakest link. I'm the chain that lets the whole thing down. My piano skills and sense of pitch whilst singing leave a lot to be desired. I'm not even sure why I am considered good by others and complete shit by the rest.

However it brings the notion of which feeling is better. There are times where the feeling worthless thing actually does it for me. Like, let's think about it. This motivation to not be the crappiest anymore might assist me in being better.

The thing is, is that worked in the old days. I use to assume that my crap musicianship or lack of technique in regards to music meant that I was a bad person. Somehow my failures in the music world reflected directly on how trustworthy or honest I was as a person. Gladly I have moved on from those days. I know realise that your musical skills is in no way, shape or form a reflection of your musicianship or sense of musical-ness.

I also learnt that this lack of skill is not a reflection on how you are as a person. However I must admit that this notion of being the weakest link gets me down.

The thought of being the one keeping the class back makes me concerned. The people I complete this class with could be the person saying whether I get the job/ scholarship or interview down the track. I mean that is my motivation for not sucking...

That and I have a role model to work towards...

Personal Reflections on Life & Death

The passing of Robin Williams has provided so much of a platform for ordinary people to speak out about mental health.

I wish to use this as a time for my story to be heard. Well rather his death isn't about me... it's about me getting my story out there and if anyone choses to read it and well... learn from it then so be it!

When I was a senior in high school I was on top of the world. I was a big fish in a small pond. It was a great feeling and I guess it didn't help any of the situations I would find myself in.

However one day... I felt disconnected. One thing lead to another... One interaction after another interaction then a very negative conversation and I found myself locked in a classroom.

That teacher didn't question me, of course she told me to take time out and chill. Yet we could both tell without words that it was not fine. She sent the remaining members of the class out of the room and off to private assignments for the duration of the class and I was told to stay in the classroom. She left me unattended... something that scared me. This was the only time I have ever had those thoughts. I considered options. I considered how they would find out. The thing that stopped me was the idea of someone finding me. I couldn't live with myself (no pun intended) knowing that for me to act out like this it would require for someone to find me.

I guess I'm pretty lucky that on that day the teacher who realised I wasn't okay told me what to do. She came and checked on me and gave me space. We've never spoken about that day and I haven't told many people personally that I have gone through that. I did not go and have therapy and my family doesn't know that I have ever thought about it. It would hurt them if they knew I went through that and didn't tell them.

The actions of that teacher saved me. Secondary to the fact I knew that I was am loved.

That small (well actually rather large) incident (or therefore lack of) has meant that in the last four years I have achieved so much. I know that I am very young and I hate to sound ignorant or even arrogant... I know that I have so much more to learn and experience but I know that I have already positively impacted so many lives.

The scary thing is ... is I am the class clown type of person. I create a barrier to everyone consisting of humour and fake trust. This usually upbeat and extraverted sense of self that I portray is not my true self. Let's face it, keeping up an act is hard... but when you've done it for as long as some of us have... you get use to it.

So, I urge you. Ask your friends, family, colleagues, students, neighbours... even the bloody postman 'Hey mate, are you doing okay?' because regardless of the output, signals or vibe that you might be receiving from a person...they could be going through a really rough patch.

Regards,

Anon





If you're doing it tough, please know help is out there. Contact Lifeline 24/7 on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au