Education Eradication?

There is only one thing in this world that could make me irate to the point of not even bothering to argue the point. Education.

It's annoying, there's this assumption that if you have been doing it for a long time that you will know more than the people that are younger than you... in fact generally in society there is an assumption that age = experience = wisdom = better than you.  Wow, I could not disagree more...maybe people assume that I am bias. I am a young person and maybe I feel that I'm 'better than the rest' - well no actually... I think I have a pretty good idea of who is better than who!

There are plenty of people who think that they will never have to learn, read or sit and exam or complete an assignment once they have finished their undergraduate degrees. This is completely the worst thinking ever! Professional Development in all it's forms is what keeps education rolling. How can we as teachers not believe in life long learning?! - talk about sending our children the wrong message.

There's one more thing that tends to happen in music education.. this notion of 'collecting students' or 'just earning some money on the side' however wanting a career in performance. Teaching is a legitimate career choice - and in fact from my experience teaching is a performance gig. Not just on the stage conducting, but in the classroom modelling, and even in our lives. I'm not sure what other teachers feel... however I feel like my life is on display. It would be pretty poor form of me to go and get drunk and destroy property then be on the six o'clock news...

Like I said, teaching is a legitimate notion...

Maybe I'm living and learning in an imaginary world? Maybe I'm the one to blame with this idea of young teachers being 'responsible' and 'mature' ... however when you think about it, teaching is a pretty important job. You have so much power. So much influence. Teaching could be the best or the worst thing for a child. Personally I think that I will always have something to learn...

Adios.

Fat Shaming - A Journey

So. One of my Facebook friends shared a photo of something to do with fat shaming. I went to share my response, but he removed the photo.

I'm not sure I want to write my opinion here. However here we go.

Disclaimer: x it isn't aimed at you for posting this, I'm rather attempting to state my side of the dialogue.

If you don't want to read it or acknowledge it, stop reading now.

I agree to a point and you know what, regardless of what she looks like she shouldn't have said that as a response - how rude and obscene! (the overweight girl).

However, in her defence...

What if she is going through a stage of making herself healthier? Just because you have seen a snapshot of her doesn't mean you know what her journey. What if she had been A LOT heavier than that prior to this moment.

I think it's stupid how we judge just at the sight of things, I mean obviously this little comic isn't meant to be analysed or thought of in any meaningful way.

It's meant for 'skinny' people or 'healthy people' (regardless if they attempt to be skinny or not) to go 'HAHAH FAT PEOPLE ARE FAT AND SHOULD DIE IN A HOLE.'

Ah also the separate issue of 'dressing for you body type' Yes, I agree...regardless of what you look like or your age, please dress in something that is flattering... You wouldn't see me in a crop top and short shorts.

As a fat person who is trying to make myself better by being healthier the fact that I change my habits for a certain amount of time does not make me instantly healthier.

I am not making an excuse for myself and I am definitely not making an excuse for others. However there's only so much some of us can do at any given time. It would be just as unhealthy to starve myself.

I obviously do not speak for every obese and overweight person ever and yeah I know that I'm not healthy but when I'm done I will be, because I never will be done.

I'm not offended by this comic, rather I think some awareness and thought should be given. I'm not asking for a trigger warning or for someone to tell me that I'm beautiful. I'm not even after someone to tell me I'm fat and I need to get off the couch... What I need is for people to judge me less and worry more about themselves.

A memoir

At the suggestion of a dear friend of mine I brought a leather bound book. I intend to keep notes on my like. I guess it will almost act as a series of writings similar to a memoir. I guess I will never know if anyone will ever be interested in reading it and it really isn't going to be as formal as a published memoir however I do intend to keep a track of what is happening or what I'm up to. Especially if when I travel or have huge life events. I think I will aim on writing a few times a week. I will start today with a small introduction. I may place photos and other objects in the book. I'm looking forward to it :)

Regards

The Struggle Towards the Whole Musician

1) A well-trained ear; 2) A well-trained mind; 3) A well-trained heart; 4) A well-trained hand. All four must develop together, in constant equilibrium. As soon as one lags behind or rushes ahead, there is something wrong. - Zoltan Kodaly

So with these thoughts in mind I thought I'd create a bucket list of all the things I need to do/ or have done in order to create a little tally next to these ideas.


I'm not sure if Kodaly meant life experience, however that is how I am interpreting it.




1) A well-trained ear

• Score Study (different ensembles/ styles, levels of achievement) 
• Choir (attend as many as possible) 
• Singing 
• Musicianship 
• Conducting 
• Teaching 
• Performances in varied groups/ styles (Chamber, Symphony, Band, Brass Band, Choir, Chamber Choir, Solo, Jazz, Jazz Band, Musical Theatre, Sacred/ Secular, Programmatic, Rock, Popular, Orchestra) 
• Listening to varied composers 
• Analysis 
• Dictation 
• Orchestration of well known tunes 
• Arranging for varied ensembles 
• Performance and rehearsal of quality works 
• Composition (imitating the great composers/ experimenting with your own ideas) 
• Sing & Plays 
• Practice (singing, playing, performing, listening, critiques) 

2) A well-trained mind

• Quality higher education (finish degree) 
• Travel 
• Listening (to people's stories!) 
• Discussion 
• Reading (philosophy, music, psychology, mythology) 
• Watch (quality documentaries) 
• Observe 
• Write (journals, documents, articles, presentations) 

3) A well-trained heart

• Love 
• Loss 
• Teach 
• Dream 
• Be vulnerable 

4) A well-trained hand

• Practice smart and hard 

Regards,


Musochick

Proserpina

This is beautiful. I'm not sure why it speaks to me... however it does. I guess I cannot fight this...

Young and Foolish

I'm not sure what makes me write.
I'm not even sure if this means anything to me, to you, to him.
As I write my thoughts down I reflect on the experiences I've had.
Was it him or I that made this feeling seem less real?
What makes you full of confidence?

As I sat at in the meeting last night I displayed confidence in the person behind me.
Everyone thought that this was young and foolish?
Really does my age dictate my thought process?

An old soul. Mature beyond her years. All boiled down into young and foolish in a moment.
The moment seemed to hang as I thought of the comments surrounding my life.
Shit. Does age really mean that much?
Do I really need to wait until I'm old and grey until I can have an opinion that matters?

As I get older I see this play out day in, day out.
Age does not predict experience, neither does it predict truth or honesty.

I do not think I would be able to ever convey how much this annoys me.

I get distracted fairly - SQUIRREL!

I lay here contemplating life. In all its glory.

No seriously.

I do.

I'm laying here thinking through and reanalysing all the interactions I had today that I consider to be important. I'm going over the words people said to me to check their meanings to make sure I took it the correct way. I lay here contemplating life. In all its glory.

It's been a long life for me so far, I mean; to be fair I'm only 21. However. I really have come a long way.

This morning at work there was child who was obviously distressed and yours truly handled the situation with maturity beyond her years. Sympathy and all!

There's a storm outside.

Oh have I ever mentioned how easily distracted I get? It's pretty bad. Everyone at work thinks it's hilarious. I cope with lists everywhere and I NEED to have multiple jobs to do at once otherwise I'd never get anything done. I'm not sure if it's related but I get bored PRETTTTTY easily. I need many things to grab my attention at once.

So maybe that's why I always over commit myself?

I found a subreddit for ENFP's and their music tastes - which... I hope is useful. I go through music like a prostitute must go through condoms. It's horrible.

^ again it has to be good to get my attention.

Goes for most things. Honestly if I'm obsessed with someone or something or an event it must be pretty damn good for me to stick with. I'm honestly surprised I've ever finished anything in my life.

Which I guess is a reason why I tend to question my sense of ... learning style and whether there is something else there or not. Hmm. I guess it doesn't matter so long as I can hone these thoughts and impulses into something good or at least worthwhile.

So back to contemplating life.

My sense of humour. Everyone when I was growing up always commented on my lack of humour or that I don't find normal things funny. My parents would say 'you have a strange sense of humour'... and even to this day they question why I don't laugh at absolutely everything that they find funny. To be honest I'm not going to laugh if it's not funny and also, I tend to be someone who shows the reaction to the emotion, not the raw emotion. It comes with the personality but it's also a good way to protect myself from outside forces. I'm a big sucker for making sure that my true self is somewhat guarded.. however I cannot deal with people who are not genuine. There's a big difference I think... we can be genuine but we do not need to share our whole self. An air of mystery is good.

I'm continue to lay here and think. I will think until I eventually drift off into sleep for a few hours before getting back up and starting my day again. I guess we will have to see what happens. If I have any ground breaking thoughts I'll be sure to share them here for the two people who read my blog.

Regards,

My inherit shyness came to play at conference...

Woah.

WHAT A WEEK.

So many things happened that I could have only dreamed about. Well, I guess. Not really, they happened!

So. The week away taught me a lot about myself.

I think I've finally settled on the fact that I am shy which to some can be seen at introversion however I am extroverted.

Even though it's completely okay to be anything and a mixture of all things. Labels are what breaks down society into horrible groups which (as we have seen in the media lately) mean nothing but bad things for everyone involved.

So steering away from the label and away from comparisons this information was handy in deciphering a number of my social habits. I love to interact however I hate most people. So take what you will from that. What I took away from my more than various interactions over the past week is that I do not withstand conversation if I cannot take anything from it. Selfish and horrible I know. However I thrive in an environment where I am learning something - or at the very least obtaining new and useful information pertaining to MY life.

I also found out that I would rather listen. I'm not going to add to the conversation if I feel that I have nothing to give and I'm not going to make an effort in showing my approval or not. However I did notice that I will give the person a glimpse of my reaction, however not the raw emotion. Which I guess comes back into the vulnerability speech. I know, I know. But you know what? I'm still learning and I'm trying. As the week went on I found it easier to do around certain people (yes, those certain people). However I still found it difficult.

As the week went on (like summer school) I became less and less shy. I found myself calling out to people, starting the conversation and even joining in with the shenanigans. My normal 'goofy' self came back to play in the final moments of the conference.

Damn. It took that long to open up to my colleagues? No wonder my life is difficult when it comes to personal interactions.

I have known for a long time that this has been an issue of mine, however it took this long? I'm pretty good at hiding my soul, let's put it that way.

Guess what? I learnt something from the whole experience.

If I want to be good at something I have to put myself out there, and to be out there means I will make myself susceptible to criticism. I will be literally ASKING for it. Guess what? I don't care. Bring it on. I believe in myself and what I'm doing. I can take the punches.

Caio.

Community & Trust

I sit here with an empty page. Honestly I feel like writing but I have no idea what to write. Part of me wants to write about shame, another about personality and finally my favourite topic of human connection/ community.

I tried doing some research and well... I guess you could say that I don't really get what goes where in regards to my mind. Personally I find it difficult to digest conversation surrounding personality. I'm not sure where I would find a home on any of the proposed spectrums and to be honest I'm not sure I want to fit. 

Shame - I've got enough of that to fuel a cruise liner.

Community - I guess this topic is the one closest to my heart and I might quickly write about it... however I don't expect it to be a quality piece of work. I will apologise in advance - sorry.

Community; I use to be under this funny thought that if I connected with people and trusted them that they would let me down. I guess that if a shrink sat me on a couch and spoke to me about my thoughts surrounding people and trust they would find that my trust issues run deeper than making friends with strangers. Yeah, people letting me down is something that all my life has plagued me.

I have always thought that if I only have to rely on myself then I only have myself to blame if I let myself down. No sour tears over those situations. I just beat myself up and move on. However with someone else in the picture it makes things complicated.  I guess I made these decisions not just based on my past experiences but I made these calls based on the fact that my people skills use to be horrible!

They are getting much better now! So, I don't trust people and I think that I cannot rely on people. So community is the situation where I cannot even think about connecting with people.

OH GUYS! LOOK! VULNERABILITY APPEARS AGAIN!

...guess what? I learnt that you can join communities and even with these trust issues someone like me can play a pretty big part. Guess what I learnt to do? I put my hand up for things and I have a position where I call the shots for this little thing and I can just help that way. I mean I'm sure people are grateful for my helping (I know they are)... however it's for me. Now that sounds horrible. I donate my time, effort even money to PLENTY of causes - most of them to do with a certain...organisation. I'm not there because of the people or because of the situation. I'm there because I feel like I am helping a community, giving back and even 'paying it forward' based on the people that paid it forward to me. Supporting in other ways wouldn't give me the same 'buzz' and I guess by relying on someone else to give me that 'buzz' was never going to end well!

As for the trust issues - they are never going to go away. I will just have to problem solve and create some concepts to make it well, easier to deal with. (I may eventually go get help but for now... I will just make do; as I do best.)

I learnt that community isn't scary when you take the reins and just 'make things happen'.

Like someone wise once said 'just get in there and do what you can, that's all we can do, is just do our best'.

Hopefully next time I can actually write something inspiring!

Sorry to the whole three people that read my ramblings.

Peace.

Connection, Vulnerability and Passion

Before I start this video clip was recommended to me by a friend (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability) I would recommend watching it to get an insight. However if you don't watch it, then just read a little bit. I will elaborate.

Vulnerability

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

'If you cannot measure it, it cannot exist'

Brene Brown talks about her lecturer and how he mentioned the above quote. She then went into her research.

Connection - that's why we are here. Oh, but hang on... there's something that exists that wrecks everything we have that's...shame! The thought of if someone knew about x, y or z then maybe they won't think I'm worthy of their attention or love. It all boils down to vulnerability. The way that it works is that the only way we can truly connect is if we show our true self to others.

Thanks Brown, you've given me the idea that my sense of vulnerability comes down to shame. Of course she mentioned that it's not got anything to do with being less of a person. In fact she mentions that if you do not have the ability to feel these feelings than you are not capable of compassion or connection.

So why would I feel shame? Oh first let me quickly tell you how it all came about.

We were singing in a concert in front of all my old high school senior leadership team. My big choir and a number of students at my old school/ the school where I teach + parents/ friends. Oh and you cannot forget the man in my life that has just given me every golden opportunity under the sun in my professional life. I stood alongside my small choir with my conductor hidden behind the piano. I stood in the middle of the choir, at the front.. on crutches... Every other person with their head buried in the music. I sung my heart out. I CONNECTED with the audience. I was so damn nervous, but I did it.

I felt so vulnerable. Why? Obviously I felt shame. Looking back on it. I am ashamed of who I am. Not what I look like, or what sort of things I do with my spare time... but by the fact that I'm gay. I mean... I've accepted I am. I have told a few mates but when I sung on Wednesday night... I felt like I shouted it to the audience. When I looked around I saw my friends in tears, I saw my mentor trying not to make eye contact with me, I saw heartache and I felt the same. Looking back on it, the performance might have been mediocre but the people in the church, they loved it.

This morning I listened to Brown talk as I drove to work and I thought, hang on... life isn't meant to be like it was last night. Or is it? By making myself vulnerable I felt the strongest sense of connection I have ever felt. When my big community choir sung I felt relieved like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I mean, sure, I don't mind if people ask about my sexuality... I'm not going to lie. I just don't feel the need to shout it from the roof tops (well just yet).

When I decide to tell people, I might make this whole blog public to my friends and family. If I decide to do that then I guess that makes myself vulnerable.

I use to be worried about being perceived as weak... now I'm worried about being perceived as less of a person... and being unable to connect with people. I'm worried about what people will think.

Until next time.

Relationships. Friendships. Colleagues

All the above concepts we acknowledge as a part of life and we learn more about as we grow as people. People skills are required to appropriately interact with these people on a professional and personal level.

...and I guess that's where I start to lose my sense of certainty. How can people be unaware of these skills and their requirement. Surely by being treated by someone professionally you learn where the boundaries are. Of course there are a number of relationships which can be multi-faceted. I mean I have a number of colleagues whom I have a professional relationship with, but really I have quite a personal one with too.

People are full of surprises and I guess as I get older my amount of friends dwindle. Not because I hate everyone but because I make no time available for them - so be it. I have endeavours in other aspects of my life, like the notion of a career. However there will always be the few who I make an effort for.

So, I tore my hamstring at work. Great. That makes life so much harder right? Wrong. I have had so many people reach out to me this past week and offer their support and help wether that be a lift, cooking, helping me obtain a pen! or even provide me with crutches to use. How great has this week been! It has assured me that actually I am apart of a community and people really do care. Of course it's also horrible because of the time/effort things take and it really hurts. Oh and workers compensation is somewhat complicated because (thank goodness) I've never had to use it before.

So just because I can. I want to reflect on those relationships. I really thought that someone I cared deeply for had grown distain towards me (prior to my injury) and I guess you can say that I really have no reason to think that.

People are interesting and I guess people are also driven by very different motives.

People, especially some people in my life... those people... I feel...well...let's say...not all people in your life want the best for you, or at least want okay for you...and I guess as a teacher finding those people will be part of my life. Positive outcomes is what we are aiming for. Negative ones just won't do!

Regards,

When I grow up...

Once again we must protest to others what we wish to do with our lives. How long should it take for us to grow up? and what even is growing up?

Is it the act of moving out of home? Getting a real job? Graduating from university? or is it simply just being viewed as an adult?

Well, the thing is, is here I am, and to be honest I'm pretty young... but I'm making choices. Choices that make me look over my shoulder and think that this might be a defining moment of my life. The thing is though, that I want to be following the footsteps of some pretty defining people in my life.

Like it or not, there are a number of mentors in my life that are doing exactly what I want to be doing. Pretty uncreative I know - I know. However, it's exactly what I want to do. Here I stand at 21, I'm not a woman and I'm not child... trust me, my dreams are running wild all I want is to be able to look back in a number of years and think, yeah I took each opportunity in my stride and worked hard. Here I tell you, right now... I'm working hard but honestly at the wrong things.

I'm working at things that may not matter in the long run and really aren't going to help me to be able to follow the footsteps of those mentors.

I think some days that I won't even be able to get my feet off the ground, or even follow one small bit in their footsteps.

I ponder some days and I know that I can just give up now... if that's what I wanted. I have a pretty smooth life and I could end up doing what I'm doing now for the rest of my life. BUT GUESS WHAT. I can tell this isn't what I'm meant to be doing. There's a thirst in my mouth. A fire in my soul. and a longing in my heart. THAT (the thing my mentors are doing) THAT is what I'm suppose to be doing!

So, here is to working HARD at the things that are important. My talent will not carry me for much longer. I must stick my head down and my arse up... and get onto it.

I'm gunna show you how great I am!

Oh no.

Life.

It's funny isn't it.

Sometimes things happen that are completely out of our control and while I see that everything has a reason I get pretty confused with it all.

However, I think it is important to document some of the things I I have come to realise about myself.

I do NOT suffer fools.
I do NOT deal well with people who have one concern - them.
I enjoy helping others - funnily enough I thought that this was something I didn't enjoy doing.
I enjoy the idea of being needed. I dislike the idea of needing people though (I'm not good at trusting people) - this contains a great difference.
I have the ability to work hard... I just have to be committed to it.
I'm actually quite strong, not only mentally or emotionally but also physically - I've also learnt that for one reason or another this matters to me.
I am good with people (remember people not fools, there is a fair distinction here).
I am good with children (however I am certain I do not want my own and there is no chance of this happening accidentally because you guys know *pfft*... I'm gay)

TO REMEMBER FOR LIFE:

'If you know what your worth, you gotta get and get what you're worth.

But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers because you're not where you wanna be because of her or her because cowards do that, and you aren't that.'

So, what am I going to do?

I plan on working as hard as I can. I want to be the best teacher I can be. The best musician I can be. The best person I can be. I need to work on being the best. Because if I am the best, then maybe I'll be considered okay by someone's standard. So hello world. I'm here and I'M GUNNA SHOW YOU HOW GREAT I AM.

Why do you music?

Music.

It's one of those things, isn't it?

We all know about it and to some extent we all partake in it. Some of us are listeners and some of us are creators. However there is a debate in itself. Composers, performers, concert goers, teachers, educators, instrument repairs, sound technicians, producers, mixers, conductors... we all music.

Music for me is more than a word. Music for me is more than a profession and guys, if you had not yet guessed... music for me is more than my life.

Music is me.

There's no other way to put it.

When I no longer exist and I have been taken from the physical earth, what will remain? my music. Not just my compositions, arrangements, students, bands, papers, concert programs but this legend of my music.

That's quite a way to think about myself though and some would protest that indeed to think of myself so highly is quite incorrect. However I don't think that's the thing. What I'm talking about is my sense of musicianship. Regardless of my skill my musicianship will remain.

...and I know people will remember me because of my music.

YET! This is not the reason why I music.

I music because it is a form of expression, it is my livelihood, it is my passion and it is my hobby. I music because for some reason or another I am 'better than okay' at it.

My friends music and my family music. My students music and my future students will learn to music.

Music will mean to them whatever music should mean to them. I will not enforce that they feel and think about music in the same way I do, however I will insist that they appreciate music. The form of the music or even the reasons why they enjoy the music is redundant.

All I ask of them is to be able to tell me WHY they music. Hopefully it is because of love, because that is the strongest type of music.

You are the weakest link; goodbye

Monday's - perhaps the best day of the week. I find myself doing all the things I love, in particular teaching and singing.

The learning part of the singing occurs in a class that is small and intimate. I know all the members of the class (including the teacher) through past incidents and relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I love it and I feel like I'm learning something! - otherwise, don't get me wrong I wouldn't go back.

However I feel like I am the weakest link. I'm the chain that lets the whole thing down. My piano skills and sense of pitch whilst singing leave a lot to be desired. I'm not even sure why I am considered good by others and complete shit by the rest.

However it brings the notion of which feeling is better. There are times where the feeling worthless thing actually does it for me. Like, let's think about it. This motivation to not be the crappiest anymore might assist me in being better.

The thing is, is that worked in the old days. I use to assume that my crap musicianship or lack of technique in regards to music meant that I was a bad person. Somehow my failures in the music world reflected directly on how trustworthy or honest I was as a person. Gladly I have moved on from those days. I know realise that your musical skills is in no way, shape or form a reflection of your musicianship or sense of musical-ness.

I also learnt that this lack of skill is not a reflection on how you are as a person. However I must admit that this notion of being the weakest link gets me down.

The thought of being the one keeping the class back makes me concerned. The people I complete this class with could be the person saying whether I get the job/ scholarship or interview down the track. I mean that is my motivation for not sucking...

That and I have a role model to work towards...

Personal Reflections on Life & Death

The passing of Robin Williams has provided so much of a platform for ordinary people to speak out about mental health.

I wish to use this as a time for my story to be heard. Well rather his death isn't about me... it's about me getting my story out there and if anyone choses to read it and well... learn from it then so be it!

When I was a senior in high school I was on top of the world. I was a big fish in a small pond. It was a great feeling and I guess it didn't help any of the situations I would find myself in.

However one day... I felt disconnected. One thing lead to another... One interaction after another interaction then a very negative conversation and I found myself locked in a classroom.

That teacher didn't question me, of course she told me to take time out and chill. Yet we could both tell without words that it was not fine. She sent the remaining members of the class out of the room and off to private assignments for the duration of the class and I was told to stay in the classroom. She left me unattended... something that scared me. This was the only time I have ever had those thoughts. I considered options. I considered how they would find out. The thing that stopped me was the idea of someone finding me. I couldn't live with myself (no pun intended) knowing that for me to act out like this it would require for someone to find me.

I guess I'm pretty lucky that on that day the teacher who realised I wasn't okay told me what to do. She came and checked on me and gave me space. We've never spoken about that day and I haven't told many people personally that I have gone through that. I did not go and have therapy and my family doesn't know that I have ever thought about it. It would hurt them if they knew I went through that and didn't tell them.

The actions of that teacher saved me. Secondary to the fact I knew that I was am loved.

That small (well actually rather large) incident (or therefore lack of) has meant that in the last four years I have achieved so much. I know that I am very young and I hate to sound ignorant or even arrogant... I know that I have so much more to learn and experience but I know that I have already positively impacted so many lives.

The scary thing is ... is I am the class clown type of person. I create a barrier to everyone consisting of humour and fake trust. This usually upbeat and extraverted sense of self that I portray is not my true self. Let's face it, keeping up an act is hard... but when you've done it for as long as some of us have... you get use to it.

So, I urge you. Ask your friends, family, colleagues, students, neighbours... even the bloody postman 'Hey mate, are you doing okay?' because regardless of the output, signals or vibe that you might be receiving from a person...they could be going through a really rough patch.

Regards,

Anon





If you're doing it tough, please know help is out there. Contact Lifeline 24/7 on 13 11 14 or visit www.lifeline.org.au