Connection, Vulnerability and Passion

Before I start this video clip was recommended to me by a friend (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability) I would recommend watching it to get an insight. However if you don't watch it, then just read a little bit. I will elaborate.

Vulnerability

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

'If you cannot measure it, it cannot exist'

Brene Brown talks about her lecturer and how he mentioned the above quote. She then went into her research.

Connection - that's why we are here. Oh, but hang on... there's something that exists that wrecks everything we have that's...shame! The thought of if someone knew about x, y or z then maybe they won't think I'm worthy of their attention or love. It all boils down to vulnerability. The way that it works is that the only way we can truly connect is if we show our true self to others.

Thanks Brown, you've given me the idea that my sense of vulnerability comes down to shame. Of course she mentioned that it's not got anything to do with being less of a person. In fact she mentions that if you do not have the ability to feel these feelings than you are not capable of compassion or connection.

So why would I feel shame? Oh first let me quickly tell you how it all came about.

We were singing in a concert in front of all my old high school senior leadership team. My big choir and a number of students at my old school/ the school where I teach + parents/ friends. Oh and you cannot forget the man in my life that has just given me every golden opportunity under the sun in my professional life. I stood alongside my small choir with my conductor hidden behind the piano. I stood in the middle of the choir, at the front.. on crutches... Every other person with their head buried in the music. I sung my heart out. I CONNECTED with the audience. I was so damn nervous, but I did it.

I felt so vulnerable. Why? Obviously I felt shame. Looking back on it. I am ashamed of who I am. Not what I look like, or what sort of things I do with my spare time... but by the fact that I'm gay. I mean... I've accepted I am. I have told a few mates but when I sung on Wednesday night... I felt like I shouted it to the audience. When I looked around I saw my friends in tears, I saw my mentor trying not to make eye contact with me, I saw heartache and I felt the same. Looking back on it, the performance might have been mediocre but the people in the church, they loved it.

This morning I listened to Brown talk as I drove to work and I thought, hang on... life isn't meant to be like it was last night. Or is it? By making myself vulnerable I felt the strongest sense of connection I have ever felt. When my big community choir sung I felt relieved like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I mean, sure, I don't mind if people ask about my sexuality... I'm not going to lie. I just don't feel the need to shout it from the roof tops (well just yet).

When I decide to tell people, I might make this whole blog public to my friends and family. If I decide to do that then I guess that makes myself vulnerable.

I use to be worried about being perceived as weak... now I'm worried about being perceived as less of a person... and being unable to connect with people. I'm worried about what people will think.

Until next time.