I tried doing some research and well... I guess you could say that I don't really get what goes where in regards to my mind. Personally I find it difficult to digest conversation surrounding personality. I'm not sure where I would find a home on any of the proposed spectrums and to be honest I'm not sure I want to fit.
Shame - I've got enough of that to fuel a cruise liner.
Community - I guess this topic is the one closest to my heart and I might quickly write about it... however I don't expect it to be a quality piece of work. I will apologise in advance - sorry.
Community; I use to be under this funny thought that if I connected with people and trusted them that they would let me down. I guess that if a shrink sat me on a couch and spoke to me about my thoughts surrounding people and trust they would find that my trust issues run deeper than making friends with strangers. Yeah, people letting me down is something that all my life has plagued me.
I have always thought that if I only have to rely on myself then I only have myself to blame if I let myself down. No sour tears over those situations. I just beat myself up and move on. However with someone else in the picture it makes things complicated. I guess I made these decisions not just based on my past experiences but I made these calls based on the fact that my people skills use to be horrible!
They are getting much better now! So, I don't trust people and I think that I cannot rely on people. So community is the situation where I cannot even think about connecting with people.
OH GUYS! LOOK! VULNERABILITY APPEARS AGAIN!
...guess what? I learnt that you can join communities and even with these trust issues someone like me can play a pretty big part. Guess what I learnt to do? I put my hand up for things and I have a position where I call the shots for this little thing and I can just help that way. I mean I'm sure people are grateful for my helping (I know they are)... however it's for me. Now that sounds horrible. I donate my time, effort even money to PLENTY of causes - most of them to do with a certain...organisation. I'm not there because of the people or because of the situation. I'm there because I feel like I am helping a community, giving back and even 'paying it forward' based on the people that paid it forward to me. Supporting in other ways wouldn't give me the same 'buzz' and I guess by relying on someone else to give me that 'buzz' was never going to end well!
As for the trust issues - they are never going to go away. I will just have to problem solve and create some concepts to make it well, easier to deal with. (I may eventually go get help but for now... I will just make do; as I do best.)
I learnt that community isn't scary when you take the reins and just 'make things happen'.
Like someone wise once said 'just get in there and do what you can, that's all we can do, is just do our best'.
Hopefully next time I can actually write something inspiring!
Sorry to the whole three people that read my ramblings.
Peace.
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