Proserpina

This is beautiful. I'm not sure why it speaks to me... however it does. I guess I cannot fight this...

Young and Foolish

I'm not sure what makes me write.
I'm not even sure if this means anything to me, to you, to him.
As I write my thoughts down I reflect on the experiences I've had.
Was it him or I that made this feeling seem less real?
What makes you full of confidence?

As I sat at in the meeting last night I displayed confidence in the person behind me.
Everyone thought that this was young and foolish?
Really does my age dictate my thought process?

An old soul. Mature beyond her years. All boiled down into young and foolish in a moment.
The moment seemed to hang as I thought of the comments surrounding my life.
Shit. Does age really mean that much?
Do I really need to wait until I'm old and grey until I can have an opinion that matters?

As I get older I see this play out day in, day out.
Age does not predict experience, neither does it predict truth or honesty.

I do not think I would be able to ever convey how much this annoys me.

I get distracted fairly - SQUIRREL!

I lay here contemplating life. In all its glory.

No seriously.

I do.

I'm laying here thinking through and reanalysing all the interactions I had today that I consider to be important. I'm going over the words people said to me to check their meanings to make sure I took it the correct way. I lay here contemplating life. In all its glory.

It's been a long life for me so far, I mean; to be fair I'm only 21. However. I really have come a long way.

This morning at work there was child who was obviously distressed and yours truly handled the situation with maturity beyond her years. Sympathy and all!

There's a storm outside.

Oh have I ever mentioned how easily distracted I get? It's pretty bad. Everyone at work thinks it's hilarious. I cope with lists everywhere and I NEED to have multiple jobs to do at once otherwise I'd never get anything done. I'm not sure if it's related but I get bored PRETTTTTY easily. I need many things to grab my attention at once.

So maybe that's why I always over commit myself?

I found a subreddit for ENFP's and their music tastes - which... I hope is useful. I go through music like a prostitute must go through condoms. It's horrible.

^ again it has to be good to get my attention.

Goes for most things. Honestly if I'm obsessed with someone or something or an event it must be pretty damn good for me to stick with. I'm honestly surprised I've ever finished anything in my life.

Which I guess is a reason why I tend to question my sense of ... learning style and whether there is something else there or not. Hmm. I guess it doesn't matter so long as I can hone these thoughts and impulses into something good or at least worthwhile.

So back to contemplating life.

My sense of humour. Everyone when I was growing up always commented on my lack of humour or that I don't find normal things funny. My parents would say 'you have a strange sense of humour'... and even to this day they question why I don't laugh at absolutely everything that they find funny. To be honest I'm not going to laugh if it's not funny and also, I tend to be someone who shows the reaction to the emotion, not the raw emotion. It comes with the personality but it's also a good way to protect myself from outside forces. I'm a big sucker for making sure that my true self is somewhat guarded.. however I cannot deal with people who are not genuine. There's a big difference I think... we can be genuine but we do not need to share our whole self. An air of mystery is good.

I'm continue to lay here and think. I will think until I eventually drift off into sleep for a few hours before getting back up and starting my day again. I guess we will have to see what happens. If I have any ground breaking thoughts I'll be sure to share them here for the two people who read my blog.

Regards,

My inherit shyness came to play at conference...

Woah.

WHAT A WEEK.

So many things happened that I could have only dreamed about. Well, I guess. Not really, they happened!

So. The week away taught me a lot about myself.

I think I've finally settled on the fact that I am shy which to some can be seen at introversion however I am extroverted.

Even though it's completely okay to be anything and a mixture of all things. Labels are what breaks down society into horrible groups which (as we have seen in the media lately) mean nothing but bad things for everyone involved.

So steering away from the label and away from comparisons this information was handy in deciphering a number of my social habits. I love to interact however I hate most people. So take what you will from that. What I took away from my more than various interactions over the past week is that I do not withstand conversation if I cannot take anything from it. Selfish and horrible I know. However I thrive in an environment where I am learning something - or at the very least obtaining new and useful information pertaining to MY life.

I also found out that I would rather listen. I'm not going to add to the conversation if I feel that I have nothing to give and I'm not going to make an effort in showing my approval or not. However I did notice that I will give the person a glimpse of my reaction, however not the raw emotion. Which I guess comes back into the vulnerability speech. I know, I know. But you know what? I'm still learning and I'm trying. As the week went on I found it easier to do around certain people (yes, those certain people). However I still found it difficult.

As the week went on (like summer school) I became less and less shy. I found myself calling out to people, starting the conversation and even joining in with the shenanigans. My normal 'goofy' self came back to play in the final moments of the conference.

Damn. It took that long to open up to my colleagues? No wonder my life is difficult when it comes to personal interactions.

I have known for a long time that this has been an issue of mine, however it took this long? I'm pretty good at hiding my soul, let's put it that way.

Guess what? I learnt something from the whole experience.

If I want to be good at something I have to put myself out there, and to be out there means I will make myself susceptible to criticism. I will be literally ASKING for it. Guess what? I don't care. Bring it on. I believe in myself and what I'm doing. I can take the punches.

Caio.

Community & Trust

I sit here with an empty page. Honestly I feel like writing but I have no idea what to write. Part of me wants to write about shame, another about personality and finally my favourite topic of human connection/ community.

I tried doing some research and well... I guess you could say that I don't really get what goes where in regards to my mind. Personally I find it difficult to digest conversation surrounding personality. I'm not sure where I would find a home on any of the proposed spectrums and to be honest I'm not sure I want to fit. 

Shame - I've got enough of that to fuel a cruise liner.

Community - I guess this topic is the one closest to my heart and I might quickly write about it... however I don't expect it to be a quality piece of work. I will apologise in advance - sorry.

Community; I use to be under this funny thought that if I connected with people and trusted them that they would let me down. I guess that if a shrink sat me on a couch and spoke to me about my thoughts surrounding people and trust they would find that my trust issues run deeper than making friends with strangers. Yeah, people letting me down is something that all my life has plagued me.

I have always thought that if I only have to rely on myself then I only have myself to blame if I let myself down. No sour tears over those situations. I just beat myself up and move on. However with someone else in the picture it makes things complicated.  I guess I made these decisions not just based on my past experiences but I made these calls based on the fact that my people skills use to be horrible!

They are getting much better now! So, I don't trust people and I think that I cannot rely on people. So community is the situation where I cannot even think about connecting with people.

OH GUYS! LOOK! VULNERABILITY APPEARS AGAIN!

...guess what? I learnt that you can join communities and even with these trust issues someone like me can play a pretty big part. Guess what I learnt to do? I put my hand up for things and I have a position where I call the shots for this little thing and I can just help that way. I mean I'm sure people are grateful for my helping (I know they are)... however it's for me. Now that sounds horrible. I donate my time, effort even money to PLENTY of causes - most of them to do with a certain...organisation. I'm not there because of the people or because of the situation. I'm there because I feel like I am helping a community, giving back and even 'paying it forward' based on the people that paid it forward to me. Supporting in other ways wouldn't give me the same 'buzz' and I guess by relying on someone else to give me that 'buzz' was never going to end well!

As for the trust issues - they are never going to go away. I will just have to problem solve and create some concepts to make it well, easier to deal with. (I may eventually go get help but for now... I will just make do; as I do best.)

I learnt that community isn't scary when you take the reins and just 'make things happen'.

Like someone wise once said 'just get in there and do what you can, that's all we can do, is just do our best'.

Hopefully next time I can actually write something inspiring!

Sorry to the whole three people that read my ramblings.

Peace.

Connection, Vulnerability and Passion

Before I start this video clip was recommended to me by a friend (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability) I would recommend watching it to get an insight. However if you don't watch it, then just read a little bit. I will elaborate.

Vulnerability

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

'If you cannot measure it, it cannot exist'

Brene Brown talks about her lecturer and how he mentioned the above quote. She then went into her research.

Connection - that's why we are here. Oh, but hang on... there's something that exists that wrecks everything we have that's...shame! The thought of if someone knew about x, y or z then maybe they won't think I'm worthy of their attention or love. It all boils down to vulnerability. The way that it works is that the only way we can truly connect is if we show our true self to others.

Thanks Brown, you've given me the idea that my sense of vulnerability comes down to shame. Of course she mentioned that it's not got anything to do with being less of a person. In fact she mentions that if you do not have the ability to feel these feelings than you are not capable of compassion or connection.

So why would I feel shame? Oh first let me quickly tell you how it all came about.

We were singing in a concert in front of all my old high school senior leadership team. My big choir and a number of students at my old school/ the school where I teach + parents/ friends. Oh and you cannot forget the man in my life that has just given me every golden opportunity under the sun in my professional life. I stood alongside my small choir with my conductor hidden behind the piano. I stood in the middle of the choir, at the front.. on crutches... Every other person with their head buried in the music. I sung my heart out. I CONNECTED with the audience. I was so damn nervous, but I did it.

I felt so vulnerable. Why? Obviously I felt shame. Looking back on it. I am ashamed of who I am. Not what I look like, or what sort of things I do with my spare time... but by the fact that I'm gay. I mean... I've accepted I am. I have told a few mates but when I sung on Wednesday night... I felt like I shouted it to the audience. When I looked around I saw my friends in tears, I saw my mentor trying not to make eye contact with me, I saw heartache and I felt the same. Looking back on it, the performance might have been mediocre but the people in the church, they loved it.

This morning I listened to Brown talk as I drove to work and I thought, hang on... life isn't meant to be like it was last night. Or is it? By making myself vulnerable I felt the strongest sense of connection I have ever felt. When my big community choir sung I felt relieved like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I mean, sure, I don't mind if people ask about my sexuality... I'm not going to lie. I just don't feel the need to shout it from the roof tops (well just yet).

When I decide to tell people, I might make this whole blog public to my friends and family. If I decide to do that then I guess that makes myself vulnerable.

I use to be worried about being perceived as weak... now I'm worried about being perceived as less of a person... and being unable to connect with people. I'm worried about what people will think.

Until next time.

Relationships. Friendships. Colleagues

All the above concepts we acknowledge as a part of life and we learn more about as we grow as people. People skills are required to appropriately interact with these people on a professional and personal level.

...and I guess that's where I start to lose my sense of certainty. How can people be unaware of these skills and their requirement. Surely by being treated by someone professionally you learn where the boundaries are. Of course there are a number of relationships which can be multi-faceted. I mean I have a number of colleagues whom I have a professional relationship with, but really I have quite a personal one with too.

People are full of surprises and I guess as I get older my amount of friends dwindle. Not because I hate everyone but because I make no time available for them - so be it. I have endeavours in other aspects of my life, like the notion of a career. However there will always be the few who I make an effort for.

So, I tore my hamstring at work. Great. That makes life so much harder right? Wrong. I have had so many people reach out to me this past week and offer their support and help wether that be a lift, cooking, helping me obtain a pen! or even provide me with crutches to use. How great has this week been! It has assured me that actually I am apart of a community and people really do care. Of course it's also horrible because of the time/effort things take and it really hurts. Oh and workers compensation is somewhat complicated because (thank goodness) I've never had to use it before.

So just because I can. I want to reflect on those relationships. I really thought that someone I cared deeply for had grown distain towards me (prior to my injury) and I guess you can say that I really have no reason to think that.

People are interesting and I guess people are also driven by very different motives.

People, especially some people in my life... those people... I feel...well...let's say...not all people in your life want the best for you, or at least want okay for you...and I guess as a teacher finding those people will be part of my life. Positive outcomes is what we are aiming for. Negative ones just won't do!

Regards,