Community & Trust

I sit here with an empty page. Honestly I feel like writing but I have no idea what to write. Part of me wants to write about shame, another about personality and finally my favourite topic of human connection/ community.

I tried doing some research and well... I guess you could say that I don't really get what goes where in regards to my mind. Personally I find it difficult to digest conversation surrounding personality. I'm not sure where I would find a home on any of the proposed spectrums and to be honest I'm not sure I want to fit. 

Shame - I've got enough of that to fuel a cruise liner.

Community - I guess this topic is the one closest to my heart and I might quickly write about it... however I don't expect it to be a quality piece of work. I will apologise in advance - sorry.

Community; I use to be under this funny thought that if I connected with people and trusted them that they would let me down. I guess that if a shrink sat me on a couch and spoke to me about my thoughts surrounding people and trust they would find that my trust issues run deeper than making friends with strangers. Yeah, people letting me down is something that all my life has plagued me.

I have always thought that if I only have to rely on myself then I only have myself to blame if I let myself down. No sour tears over those situations. I just beat myself up and move on. However with someone else in the picture it makes things complicated.  I guess I made these decisions not just based on my past experiences but I made these calls based on the fact that my people skills use to be horrible!

They are getting much better now! So, I don't trust people and I think that I cannot rely on people. So community is the situation where I cannot even think about connecting with people.

OH GUYS! LOOK! VULNERABILITY APPEARS AGAIN!

...guess what? I learnt that you can join communities and even with these trust issues someone like me can play a pretty big part. Guess what I learnt to do? I put my hand up for things and I have a position where I call the shots for this little thing and I can just help that way. I mean I'm sure people are grateful for my helping (I know they are)... however it's for me. Now that sounds horrible. I donate my time, effort even money to PLENTY of causes - most of them to do with a certain...organisation. I'm not there because of the people or because of the situation. I'm there because I feel like I am helping a community, giving back and even 'paying it forward' based on the people that paid it forward to me. Supporting in other ways wouldn't give me the same 'buzz' and I guess by relying on someone else to give me that 'buzz' was never going to end well!

As for the trust issues - they are never going to go away. I will just have to problem solve and create some concepts to make it well, easier to deal with. (I may eventually go get help but for now... I will just make do; as I do best.)

I learnt that community isn't scary when you take the reins and just 'make things happen'.

Like someone wise once said 'just get in there and do what you can, that's all we can do, is just do our best'.

Hopefully next time I can actually write something inspiring!

Sorry to the whole three people that read my ramblings.

Peace.

Connection, Vulnerability and Passion

Before I start this video clip was recommended to me by a friend (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability) I would recommend watching it to get an insight. However if you don't watch it, then just read a little bit. I will elaborate.

Vulnerability

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

'If you cannot measure it, it cannot exist'

Brene Brown talks about her lecturer and how he mentioned the above quote. She then went into her research.

Connection - that's why we are here. Oh, but hang on... there's something that exists that wrecks everything we have that's...shame! The thought of if someone knew about x, y or z then maybe they won't think I'm worthy of their attention or love. It all boils down to vulnerability. The way that it works is that the only way we can truly connect is if we show our true self to others.

Thanks Brown, you've given me the idea that my sense of vulnerability comes down to shame. Of course she mentioned that it's not got anything to do with being less of a person. In fact she mentions that if you do not have the ability to feel these feelings than you are not capable of compassion or connection.

So why would I feel shame? Oh first let me quickly tell you how it all came about.

We were singing in a concert in front of all my old high school senior leadership team. My big choir and a number of students at my old school/ the school where I teach + parents/ friends. Oh and you cannot forget the man in my life that has just given me every golden opportunity under the sun in my professional life. I stood alongside my small choir with my conductor hidden behind the piano. I stood in the middle of the choir, at the front.. on crutches... Every other person with their head buried in the music. I sung my heart out. I CONNECTED with the audience. I was so damn nervous, but I did it.

I felt so vulnerable. Why? Obviously I felt shame. Looking back on it. I am ashamed of who I am. Not what I look like, or what sort of things I do with my spare time... but by the fact that I'm gay. I mean... I've accepted I am. I have told a few mates but when I sung on Wednesday night... I felt like I shouted it to the audience. When I looked around I saw my friends in tears, I saw my mentor trying not to make eye contact with me, I saw heartache and I felt the same. Looking back on it, the performance might have been mediocre but the people in the church, they loved it.

This morning I listened to Brown talk as I drove to work and I thought, hang on... life isn't meant to be like it was last night. Or is it? By making myself vulnerable I felt the strongest sense of connection I have ever felt. When my big community choir sung I felt relieved like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I mean, sure, I don't mind if people ask about my sexuality... I'm not going to lie. I just don't feel the need to shout it from the roof tops (well just yet).

When I decide to tell people, I might make this whole blog public to my friends and family. If I decide to do that then I guess that makes myself vulnerable.

I use to be worried about being perceived as weak... now I'm worried about being perceived as less of a person... and being unable to connect with people. I'm worried about what people will think.

Until next time.

Relationships. Friendships. Colleagues

All the above concepts we acknowledge as a part of life and we learn more about as we grow as people. People skills are required to appropriately interact with these people on a professional and personal level.

...and I guess that's where I start to lose my sense of certainty. How can people be unaware of these skills and their requirement. Surely by being treated by someone professionally you learn where the boundaries are. Of course there are a number of relationships which can be multi-faceted. I mean I have a number of colleagues whom I have a professional relationship with, but really I have quite a personal one with too.

People are full of surprises and I guess as I get older my amount of friends dwindle. Not because I hate everyone but because I make no time available for them - so be it. I have endeavours in other aspects of my life, like the notion of a career. However there will always be the few who I make an effort for.

So, I tore my hamstring at work. Great. That makes life so much harder right? Wrong. I have had so many people reach out to me this past week and offer their support and help wether that be a lift, cooking, helping me obtain a pen! or even provide me with crutches to use. How great has this week been! It has assured me that actually I am apart of a community and people really do care. Of course it's also horrible because of the time/effort things take and it really hurts. Oh and workers compensation is somewhat complicated because (thank goodness) I've never had to use it before.

So just because I can. I want to reflect on those relationships. I really thought that someone I cared deeply for had grown distain towards me (prior to my injury) and I guess you can say that I really have no reason to think that.

People are interesting and I guess people are also driven by very different motives.

People, especially some people in my life... those people... I feel...well...let's say...not all people in your life want the best for you, or at least want okay for you...and I guess as a teacher finding those people will be part of my life. Positive outcomes is what we are aiming for. Negative ones just won't do!

Regards,

When I grow up...

Once again we must protest to others what we wish to do with our lives. How long should it take for us to grow up? and what even is growing up?

Is it the act of moving out of home? Getting a real job? Graduating from university? or is it simply just being viewed as an adult?

Well, the thing is, is here I am, and to be honest I'm pretty young... but I'm making choices. Choices that make me look over my shoulder and think that this might be a defining moment of my life. The thing is though, that I want to be following the footsteps of some pretty defining people in my life.

Like it or not, there are a number of mentors in my life that are doing exactly what I want to be doing. Pretty uncreative I know - I know. However, it's exactly what I want to do. Here I stand at 21, I'm not a woman and I'm not child... trust me, my dreams are running wild all I want is to be able to look back in a number of years and think, yeah I took each opportunity in my stride and worked hard. Here I tell you, right now... I'm working hard but honestly at the wrong things.

I'm working at things that may not matter in the long run and really aren't going to help me to be able to follow the footsteps of those mentors.

I think some days that I won't even be able to get my feet off the ground, or even follow one small bit in their footsteps.

I ponder some days and I know that I can just give up now... if that's what I wanted. I have a pretty smooth life and I could end up doing what I'm doing now for the rest of my life. BUT GUESS WHAT. I can tell this isn't what I'm meant to be doing. There's a thirst in my mouth. A fire in my soul. and a longing in my heart. THAT (the thing my mentors are doing) THAT is what I'm suppose to be doing!

So, here is to working HARD at the things that are important. My talent will not carry me for much longer. I must stick my head down and my arse up... and get onto it.

I'm gunna show you how great I am!

Oh no.

Life.

It's funny isn't it.

Sometimes things happen that are completely out of our control and while I see that everything has a reason I get pretty confused with it all.

However, I think it is important to document some of the things I I have come to realise about myself.

I do NOT suffer fools.
I do NOT deal well with people who have one concern - them.
I enjoy helping others - funnily enough I thought that this was something I didn't enjoy doing.
I enjoy the idea of being needed. I dislike the idea of needing people though (I'm not good at trusting people) - this contains a great difference.
I have the ability to work hard... I just have to be committed to it.
I'm actually quite strong, not only mentally or emotionally but also physically - I've also learnt that for one reason or another this matters to me.
I am good with people (remember people not fools, there is a fair distinction here).
I am good with children (however I am certain I do not want my own and there is no chance of this happening accidentally because you guys know *pfft*... I'm gay)

TO REMEMBER FOR LIFE:

'If you know what your worth, you gotta get and get what you're worth.

But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers because you're not where you wanna be because of her or her because cowards do that, and you aren't that.'

So, what am I going to do?

I plan on working as hard as I can. I want to be the best teacher I can be. The best musician I can be. The best person I can be. I need to work on being the best. Because if I am the best, then maybe I'll be considered okay by someone's standard. So hello world. I'm here and I'M GUNNA SHOW YOU HOW GREAT I AM.

Why do you music?

Music.

It's one of those things, isn't it?

We all know about it and to some extent we all partake in it. Some of us are listeners and some of us are creators. However there is a debate in itself. Composers, performers, concert goers, teachers, educators, instrument repairs, sound technicians, producers, mixers, conductors... we all music.

Music for me is more than a word. Music for me is more than a profession and guys, if you had not yet guessed... music for me is more than my life.

Music is me.

There's no other way to put it.

When I no longer exist and I have been taken from the physical earth, what will remain? my music. Not just my compositions, arrangements, students, bands, papers, concert programs but this legend of my music.

That's quite a way to think about myself though and some would protest that indeed to think of myself so highly is quite incorrect. However I don't think that's the thing. What I'm talking about is my sense of musicianship. Regardless of my skill my musicianship will remain.

...and I know people will remember me because of my music.

YET! This is not the reason why I music.

I music because it is a form of expression, it is my livelihood, it is my passion and it is my hobby. I music because for some reason or another I am 'better than okay' at it.

My friends music and my family music. My students music and my future students will learn to music.

Music will mean to them whatever music should mean to them. I will not enforce that they feel and think about music in the same way I do, however I will insist that they appreciate music. The form of the music or even the reasons why they enjoy the music is redundant.

All I ask of them is to be able to tell me WHY they music. Hopefully it is because of love, because that is the strongest type of music.

You are the weakest link; goodbye

Monday's - perhaps the best day of the week. I find myself doing all the things I love, in particular teaching and singing.

The learning part of the singing occurs in a class that is small and intimate. I know all the members of the class (including the teacher) through past incidents and relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I love it and I feel like I'm learning something! - otherwise, don't get me wrong I wouldn't go back.

However I feel like I am the weakest link. I'm the chain that lets the whole thing down. My piano skills and sense of pitch whilst singing leave a lot to be desired. I'm not even sure why I am considered good by others and complete shit by the rest.

However it brings the notion of which feeling is better. There are times where the feeling worthless thing actually does it for me. Like, let's think about it. This motivation to not be the crappiest anymore might assist me in being better.

The thing is, is that worked in the old days. I use to assume that my crap musicianship or lack of technique in regards to music meant that I was a bad person. Somehow my failures in the music world reflected directly on how trustworthy or honest I was as a person. Gladly I have moved on from those days. I know realise that your musical skills is in no way, shape or form a reflection of your musicianship or sense of musical-ness.

I also learnt that this lack of skill is not a reflection on how you are as a person. However I must admit that this notion of being the weakest link gets me down.

The thought of being the one keeping the class back makes me concerned. The people I complete this class with could be the person saying whether I get the job/ scholarship or interview down the track. I mean that is my motivation for not sucking...

That and I have a role model to work towards...